Three months on Testosterone – Transitioning

Three months on T today! Woohoo! And I am loving the changes i’m seeing/hearing.

Content Warning: Talk of private parts and shit like that

I’m still working on my name change and i’m waiting to hear the final judgement from the court and it’s making me anxious lately but hopefully it won’t be too much longer. Courts are so confusing and take awhile.

I got upped from 1 pump of the T gel to 2 pumps.

All the changes so far

Getting hairier – i’m noticing more hair on my legs (especially my thighs) and arms (and darker hair to) as well as face. I still can’t do anything with my facial hair but the right side of my face is finally getting some hair! Right now it’s a lot of vellus hair, at least that’s what i’ve heard it’s called, which means it’s really light and it will get darker when it turns terminal. I have a mix of vellus and terminal hairs on my face and it’s sporadic lol. The vellus hairs are impossible to get to show up on camera.

My voice is dropping. I use an app called “Voice Pitch Analyzer” to track my voice progress (it has you read a short ~1 minute passages from a book – The Picture of Dorian Gray specifically) as well as short videos of me saying my name and how long i’ve been on T so I can hear it.

The voice app, here is how it started Pre-T on February 1st and I started T on February 2nd.

Now here it is in April 22nd and today (you can see the date at the top of the app)

Just 3 months in 🙂 Here is a video of my voice on Day 1 of T and last night

Day 1

3 Months on T

I seem to be getting slightly warmer and sweatier (I didn’t really sweat at all Pre-T)

Higher sex drive

Happier, less crying (I can still cry)

Some acne (not a ton but more than I had. Usually on my nose but one asshole pimple was in my crotch area and omg that one hurt!)

My bottom growth aka Tdick is growing. If you have no idea what that means, T makes the clit turn into a mini-dick. It ends up growing to look like one (with the clitoral hood being the foreskin, fellas, WASH UNDER YOUR FORESKIN) and act like one. Obviously there’s no hole so you can’t pee or cum out of it however it gets hard, gets random boners (yes random, having a boner does not mean a guy is aroused. They just happen sometimes, especially during puberty, which i’m currently going through…again…in my 30s… but can still happen when older), and pleasure and orgasm feel different. I love my little dude, though the random boners are a bit painful with no warning and like “wtf you hard for?” lol. I found random boner memes on the internet …

As a trans man who currently gets random boners and a period, neither should be considered shameful imho. They are both out of the persons control.

I’m in many trans reddits and found the reddit GrowYourTDick (Tdick being what trans guys often call it) where Trans guys will post pics of their Tdicks and talk about pumping and something called DHT cream. I haven’t looked into it. But from what I gather the average is probably 1-3 inches when it’s done? I’m already over an inch when hard and it can continue growing for a few years. Generally in spurts.

I have an easier time eating food like a normal person. I was born with vacterl association and a part of that for me (it’s an acronym) is imperforate anus and with that comes a lot of stomach problems for me. My body doesn’t like to eat because my stomach doesn’t like to work to put it lightly. So the fact I can now eat a bit easier is friggin awesome!

Here are some pictures I took last night of my face

I’m not trying to look mean, i’m just trying to see my face without a smile changing it lol.

Two months on T (Testosterone) and Mental Health

My one month on T update blog post is Here which goes more in-depth on some things.

It’s been 2 months on T for me today! Just last week I finally had an appointment with an endocrinologist, who is trans friendly and see trans patients! I had blood work done. Right now it’ll be a couple months before I can switch to getting my T from Plume to my endocrinologist, I still have to get a gender dysphoria letter from my therapist (and I need another month before I can do that) and to see my new ob/gyn which my appointment isn’t until May 26th, but the new gyn apparently specializes in trans health care (and is part of Penn medicine, where I go to a lot because I was born with vacterl association).

So right now i’m waiting for Plume to respond as I just sent them my blood work, no idea if they’ll take that or if i’ll have to get more in a month from them specifically. My endo said i’ll need an estrogen blocker, and my blood work shows that. From what i’ve gathered (internet searching) it looks like my estrogen is still in the female range (and my endo said that’ll prevent me from getting the full effects of T) and my T is in the very low male range (which surprises me it got that high as i’m only on one pump of Gel to start with). My estradiol (estrogen) is 85.1 and my testosterone is 378 and my Free testosterone(Direct) is 15.8. I’m not 100% sure what it all means, but that’s what doctors are for.

Not sure how high I should go with the T but males produce the most T during puberty, in the teenage years. And … puberty is what i’m trying to go through here lol. But at the same time I don’t want to jump to high too fast, simply because I want to make sure my body is still cool with it. But again, that’s what doctors are for.

Side effects i’ve seen already these first 2 months

Bottom growth. T turns the clit into a min-dick. Seriously. It’s made from the same stuff after all. And it looks and acts like one. I mean of course there isn’t a hole to pee out of in it or anything .. but it gets hard. I can stroke it which I could not do pre-T. Pleasure and orgasm feel entirely different. Mine is still small but damn I love my little dude already. I can get erections now holy shit. The gender euphoria is real.

Of course an increase in sex drive comes along with it. Before i’d masturbate 2-3x a month I think. Now .. I can’t seem to go a day without jerking off.

I can actually eat! Which is a huge thing for me because I have severe stomach issues that don’t let me eat much without a lot of pain. Now it’s easier to eat! I mean I still have severe stomach issues but I do notice a positive difference.

I’m sweatier and I think a little warmer. Like, i’m not sweating buckets, I don’t do much though because disabled, but I do do what exercising I can and I actually sweat now! I’m not kidding when I say pre-T I was wondering if I had some anti-sweating problem. Nope, I can sweat.

Some acne. Not a whole lot but my nose keeps getting one again and again and I ended up getting a pimple down there. I didn’t know you could get them down there and my god it hurt there. Even underwear made it worse.

Darker body hair, mostly my arms so far. Still has patches of lighter hair so I can see the difference. I also have a shadow at a distance of a mustache and I think a few more hairs on my face lol. And some of the hair is darker. I have recently developed a couple hairs (and one long dark one) under my lip but you have to be close to see them. But i’ve literally seen it grow in since i’m looking at my face every day lol.

My voice seemed to initially drop some, from the upper half to the bottom half of the female range, but currently I am stuck there.

I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to but I can still cry, just, not as much. And honestly, I think I like it because before I couldn’t stop until my body let me and it’d give me such headaches and stuffy noses.

And of course, i’m happier and beginning to feel a little more like me, and excited to see what’s ahead.

Of course, speaking of happier, i’ve also been very anxious lately because of all the anti-trans news and shit. It’s gotten so bad my chest has been constantly hurting for awhile now, like really hurting and with a feeling of being choked from my throat down my chest. I’ve had plenty of anxiety and panic attacks in my life, I know they physically hurt, but I didn’t realize they could hurt this bad or maybe I should say this chronically. It’s a new level of anxiety. I hate it here.

This anxiety is killing me, so I have to take care of myself the best I can. That means a lot less social media. My first priority has to be surviving and my own health of course. Thankfully I have friends I can talk to, even though I feel like a burden. They tell me i’m not. I do not know where i’d be without them and am very grateful to have them as friends.

Mental health matters. If you need to hear this, your mental health matters. Seriously. Take care of yourself, or at least try. Don’t beat yourself up, just do your best and be kind to yourself. I know very well this is very very hard, but it’s worth it.

So, that’s my 2 months on T and some mental health update.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

My feelings on being called Brave

I’ve been called brave a lot in my life. I’ve been called brave lately for starting T, starting medical transition because I am a trans man.

Other reasons i’ve been called brave: I was born with VACteRL Association (It’s an acronym, there is a reason it’s capitalized like that) aka i’m a medical mess. I even got shit wrong with me that don’t fit into vacterl. I was born disabled and in chronic pain and I will die that way. I do not know what a minute without pain is like or what it’s like to be abled.

I’m bisexual and a nonbinary trans man surrounded by people who think that’s a sin, living in a world that wants people like me dead. In particular the trans part.

I’m also surrounded by people who think me being Wiccan is demonic.

I had to recently stop talking to my dad because he refuses to accept me as Tyler, his son.

I’m autistic and have adhd and did not know this until my 30s. I also have anxiety, depression, and ptsd (for multiple reasons, both simple and complex).

I’ve been abused from multiple people. I’ve been used. I’ve been raped. I’ve been in situations where I should be dead.

Hell that last part is my entire life. I was born with vacterl association because of lead where my mom worked, a glass factory, when she was pregnant with me. They tested their employees lead levels once a year (i’m 34 so this was the 80s btw) and it came up when she was 2-3 months pregnant with me. The doctors tested hers and mine. They said she should have been dead or at least a vegetable, and I, or the fetus that became me, should have been a miscarriage. Logically, it makes no sense that I am here. My mom quit working there immediately upon learning that. But it didn’t stop there. There are other situations in my life where I shouldn’t be alive ranging from an abusive boyfriend to a house fire I was in. I was saved by my neighbor with a ladder.

Statistically, people like me often unalive themselves, and i’ve had thoughts of doing just that for over 20 years now. Physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans, mental health issues … I wonder what the statistics would say about me.

Prior to starting T just last month I know that’s where I was headed. I realized I had 2 options. 1 Attempt to be myself, transition, try to live as a trans man, as who I am or 2 suicide. This is me trying to live.

I became a widow in my early 30s. Jan 17th, 2021 my mommom died, during a time me and my husband were moving into our own home and I was also learning i’m autistic, and we moved in late January and February 16th, my husband died. My husband and my mommom were the 2 people in my life who I knew loved me and accepted me as I am. I don’t think my mommom “got” it, but she accepted me. She called me Tyler. I had come out as nonbinary at 30 and socially asked people to use my name Tyler. I talked to my husband about wanting to transition (but medical reasons and disability delayed me starting) and he supported me. Now … I just started a month ago and he’s not here with me. As excited as I am about transitioning … it’s bittersweet. I really, really wish he was here with me. I know he’d be proud of me. I know he’d want me to be happy.

So … after that brief story of my life … how do I feel about being called brave?

Well, I finally know it’s true. I am brave. To go through all that, and to continue to, every single day. To still be here, to still breathe, to exist. Just existing as someone like me is brave. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I know it’s true. And I appreciate that it’s seen by people. That all this bravery isn’t invisible. Because it’s fucking hard and it hurts. So yea, I know it’s true and I appreciate it when people call me brave … but … yes, there’s a but. But I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be this brave. I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist. It’s exhausting and it’s painful and no one should have to be brave like this, just to exist as themselves, as myself. Brave just to breathe. I should have a right to exist peacefully as me.

I know i’m far from alone in this. Having to be brave just to exist. If you relate to having to be brave just to exist, you aren’t alone. You shouldn’t have to go through this. This world is deeply fucked up, and I will never fully wrap my head around why. I like to believe I see a glimmer of hope for the future though…

So no, i’m not offended, I know i’m brave and I appreciate it, but what other choice do I have? It’s be brave … or die.

And I don’t want to die without at least trying to be myself. I’d seriously regret not even trying.

I don’t want to die before legally changing my name (i’m currently working on it).

I don’t want to die without trying to actually live.

You can say i’m brave, but i’ll just think, “Yes, but what other choice do I have?”

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

One Month on T (Testosterone): Transitioning

I started T February 2nd. I’m a nonbinary trans man. He/They. I started on a low dose because I have a lot of medical issues and I want to see how my body reacts first and figure this is a smart way. I have gone through Plume because reasons. I am using the Testosterone Gel 1.62%, 1 pump a day and each pump gives 20.25mg of testosterone. I figure i’ll track my transition here. I’ve also made some tiktok videos, my linktree link at the bottom has links to all my socials, including tiktok if you’re interested.

I still have a long way to go in transition, i’ve barely begun, so please send good vibes or whatever you believe in for it to go well, especially with my medical issues.

CW: Talk about “downstairs”, horniness and masturbating. It’s a part of T and i’m going to talk about all of it. Do not proceed if this bothers you in any way or if you’re related to me. Thank you.

So, changes. Within the first day I noticed an increase in horniness. Yes, apparently that’s how it starts lol. I seriously felt like a dog in heat for a bit there. Now it seems more normal, like, guy normal, which is significantly hornier than I was pre-T. But it’s not insane. I can function lol. Before I’d masturbate maybe a few times a month? Now it’s almost every day. Typically once. Sometimes more.

Also before I typically needed some sort of help, to get off. Porn, reading smut, a toy. Now, it seems I do sometimes but, not usually. It’s actually interesting, especially because i’ve heard other trans guys say the opposite and I seem to be alone in this (but i’m sure i’m not).

The feeling, all of it, is different. Within the first 2 weeks I also felt bottom growth. That’s when the clit grows on T, it basically turns into a mini penis. It’s made from the same stuff after all. From my understanding it grows a little, stops, months later or whatever it’ll grow some more etc. And yes, I felt it. That seems to be normal from what I gather. Some trans guys say it hurts. At worst it was uncomfortable for me but generally just made me horny (i’ve heard other trans guys say the same thing, so it depends). It’s still small obviously because it’s only been a month but there is noticeable growth, and I love it.

The way I masturbate has already changed. My clit is so much more sensitive than before. I can just lightly stroke it, that’s not something I could do before. I can also feel and see when it’s hard and erect, just like a penis, just smaller. The sensation is also more localized. Before I could feel the pleasure through my whole body. Now it’s more localized but also more intense. I wouldn’t say either way is bad, they both feel good, but this way feels more right for me personally. It’s also easier for me to get off than before, which is nice because sometimes it seemed impossible before and the fact I have chronic pain wasn’t helping.

T can make it drier down there (which can hurt, cause bleeding..), but it can also make it wetter because it tends to cause more horny than before. So, depends on if the T or the horny wins. I have noticed at times it being too dry (and there is stuff for that), but when i’m wet even that feels different, and I don’t have the (normal) white discharge I used to. I can’t tell if the smell down there has changed or not, sometimes it seemed to but not other times. T can make there smell like dick and balls, so i’ve heard.

I’ve also noticed an increase in hunger. Nothing drastic because I was born with vacterl association and the imperforate anus part of that includes serious stomach issues with me. Hunger is not something my body tends to have, I just eat because I have to, but my body also hates food because it’s too stupid to work right, or like, at all. So barely eating could be difficult before. Now … I actually want to eat (a normal amount) and can eat easier, with less trouble and actually feel hungry a little every now and then, which with my severe stomach issues is a big deal.

I mentioned I started T February 2nd. I got my period February 7th. Seemed pretty normal, mighta been a little lighter/shorter than usual but who knows as one period to the next can change.

Also I noticed my mood, i’m much happier, less anxious and depressed (it’s hasn’t cured anything, I still have anxiety and shit, but i’m happier and able to cope better than before). I feel more me, more myself. More confidence. Still got work to do, but it’s nice.

I also cry less. I thought trans guys saying they couldn’t cry anymore or couldn’t cry as much as before was bullshit. Honestly, I thought it was internalized toxic masculinity and certainly wouldn’t affect my over-emotional cry at everything self and I know men are allowed to cry and it’s nothing shameful, and as I said, I was a constant crier and couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t bullshit. I can still cry. I haven’t lost the ability. But I don’t cry at every little thing like I used to. Commercials, puppies, stress, tv, movies, books, frustration…. Now it takes something significant to me to make me cry, and even then I don’t sob like I used to and it’s over much quicker. I’m not trying to do that, it just stops. Like my body saying “ok, done now”. I can try to cry and it doesn’t work anymore. Before I couldn’t get myself to stop crying until I had been cried out, now I can barely get me to start let alone continue for more than a few minutes no matter happened. Like I said, I can still cry though, it just takes more and is over much quicker.

I do still feel the emotions. Emotions can be less intense but I still have them. They haven’t gone anywhere. But I can handle them better to. Not perfect i’m sure, but better.

I do have a bit more of a mustache than I did before but it still has a lot of growing in to do. I’m not sure how much my face and body mighta changed, my mom said she can see some change but i’m also trying to lose weight (and failing). Same with my voice, it seems to be a little lower (using a voice app) but not much and it still very much in the female range. Voice (and facial hair) take longer than other changes though. Plus i’m surprised being on a low dose for just 1 month I have as much changes as I do, but i’m happy with them!

Also my face feels a bit oily and i’ve noticed a few more pimples than usual (but nothing bad yet).

So that’s it so far. Here is a pic of me Pre-T

And a pic of me now, one month on T

Ignore the fact I look mean. I wasn’t smiling only because I wanted to see my face shape without smiling.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

Fidget Toys are Magic (and self-discovery in my 30s)

At 30 I realized i’m nonbinary trans. At 31 almost 32 I learned i’m autistic, at around the same time my husband and grandmother, my 2 supporters, died just a month apart (and me and my husband had finally just moved into our own home 2 weeks prior to his death, with my grandma dying weeks before we moved in and him dying weeks after, so you can imagine the inner chaos from learning i’m autistic during that time). Now 33 i’m learning I have ADHD as well.

I have recently discovered fidget toys can help me pay attention while watching stuff! Youtube videos, tv shows etc. I have so much trouble paying attention! Fidget toys help. They are stimulating, entertaining, calming. Where has this knowledge been all my life?!

Learning so much about myself in my 30s shows me self-discovery is a lifelong journey. You are never too old.

You are never too old.

I’m sorry that’s depressing but it’s my truth and I am proud to be autistic now. What’s depressing is the deaths and the chaos, not the autism.

Knowledge is power. I understand myself better now, seeing my childhood in a whole new lens. I can use this knowledge to understand myself, better understand others, and help myself through life. And it helps me to be proud of who I am. Before I thought I was just a failed human who couldn’t figure out how to human. Now, I know better. I’m not a failure, i’m just neurodivergent. And i’m awesome just the way I am.

Links to all my socials

Me and My Dysphoria Monster: An Empowering Story to Help Children Cope with Gender Dysphoria by Laura Kate Dale and Hui Qing Ang Book Review

I wish i’d had this as a child. I would’ve had the words and known I wasn’t alone so much sooner.

There are some draft errors (like on one page it says missing words and later some sentences just stop in the middle) but I got this from Netgalley and it is an e-arc draft so i’m not holding that against it.

Nisha is a trans girl. She has a dysphoria monster that keeps getting bigger as she’s misgendered but then she comes out and has support and her monster gets smaller. At first she wanted her monster to just go away but with the help of an adult trans man learns what her monster was trying to tell her, and living as who she is makes her so much happier and confident. It’s a beautiful story and has information for adults wanting to support trans kids after the story. I highly recommend this book!

Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the e-arc.

Links to all my socials

The Gender Friend: A 102 Guide to Gender Identity by Oakley Phoenix Book Review

I am currently in the hospital and can not for the life of me figure out how to get an image on this thing. Hopefully i’ll remember to add the book cover when I get home. I’m doing good all things considered. On to the review!

I figured it out 🙂

This book is like a kind friend. It is so accessible. It explains gender stuff like you’re talking to a friend. I am a nonbinary transmasculine person and I am really glad to see it was kind towards allies as well. I know people who are trying and really care but will of course make mistakes in learning and getting used to it. It’s pretty obvious who actually cares and who doesn’t.

This definitely shouldn’t be the only book you read on gender, no book can do it all, but it is a great and kind starting place! It truly felt like I was chatting with a friend.

Gender can be complicated. Books like this can help. I want to thank Netgalley and the publisher for the early copy and I will have to buy a copy when it comes out so I can give this to people in my life.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61402211-the-gender-friend

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

My nonbinary trans journey

I grew up not feeling like a girl, but I also grew up hearing anything queer was a sin. I also grew up only knowing about trans women, trans men simply weren’t a thing i’d ever heard of until my late teens and I was in my mid-20s before I heard about nonbinary. So as a kid I knew I didn’t feel like a girl but I also knew I didn’t 100% feel like a boy, though it was much closer and comfortable, so I had to assume I just couldn’t “girl” properly. Which makes absolutely no sense.

That “not like other girls” trope? Yea, I loved that. I know now it’s problematic, but also, i’m actually not a girl, but back then I didn’t know any other options existed. But girls, like another other gender or lack there of, come in many varieties. There is no right or wrong way to be any gender. It’s just what feels right and true to you.

I hated long hair (and was forced into having long hair growing up) and many girly things. And there was some girly things I actually did like and man I felt embarrassed by that, but I tried to ignore it and just liked what I liked (and you should just like what you like). Like, I loved Lisa Frank for example. I said I hated the color pink on principle. I never hated the color pink. Though my favorite colors are blue and green but that’s because they remind me of the ocean and nature. However as a kid I couldn’t pick a favorite color so I said mine was purple because my favorite Backstreet Boy, Howie, said it’s his. I’ve since learned doing stuff like that is actually pretty autistic of me lol. I am autistic, always have been, but was nearly 32 when I learned that.

I always wanted to BE a boy, even pre-puberty. Then puberty came, and I hated it. And yes, I know, everyone hates puberty, but it was also a factor of “this is wrong, so very wrong, this isn’t what i’m supposed to look like”. I don’t know how else to put it. I was hoping i’d grow out of it, get used to it. I never did. I’m 33 now. I want to transition but currently am not able to. Hopefully one day. So for now I still “look like a woman” (you know what I mean) and I know this doesn’t invalidate me but hello dysphoria!

And yes, I realize now you are whatever gender you know you are, regardless of what you look like or what you were assigned at birth. But i’m just learning that in my 30s. So when I say I wanted to BE a boy, I also mean I wish I was born amab, instead of afab.

I was always jealous of guys, of how they looked, wished I looked like that. Jealous of girls with small boobs and could not for the life of me understand why they were jealous of my huge ones.

Of course i’m also bisexual so i’ve had that thought “Do I want to look like him or fuck him?” when looking at a cis guy and the answer has been

I’m multiply physically disabled, known i’m bi since 13 (still am), and knew I was “weird” before I knew i’m autistic, and have multiple mental health issues on top of it … so when I heard about nonbinary in my late 20s, already married to a man (who I loved and always will have a place in my heart, he died Feb 16th, 2021), I was scared.

I was scared because I was already “too much”. I can’t be any more strange, please no for the love of God NO!! That was my thought. I refused to look into it.

I had a breakdown at 30 and realized, i’m nonbinary. I came out and told my husband, he was supportive (even when I told him I want to transition). First I figured i’m agender, then demiguy (which for me is part agender part man). Gender had always been a source of pain and confusion so I just wanted to say “fuck it” but also had to realize, some gender i’m happy with and agender wasn’t my whole story. At first I said “any pronouns” but it became obvious she irked me.

Oh, that reminds me, when I still thought I was cis i’d have instances of people thinking I was a guy, say online or before they saw boobs, and I would never correct them and I realized it made me happy when they did that and very annoyed when they “realized” and corrected themselves and I couldn’t understand why it annoyed me for them to correct themselves, I mean, I was a woman, right? (no, and that shoulda been a friggin’ neon sign for me! But alas, the brain can refuse to realize things it doesn’t want to/isn’t ready for).

So eventually I changed my pronouns to they/them then they/he. They/He are my pronouns. I also go by Tyler now.

Other things that shoulda been neon signs: I’d daydream about being a guy, masturbating imagining I have a penis and am the guy I wish I was, wish I could chop off my chest, straighten out my curves, have a deeper voice, like the facial hair aspect I got of what appears to be pcos (though I could do without the pain thank you) and wish I had more facial hair. I have a lot for an afab person not on T but no where near a beard or “male-level” facial hair. I know there’s others i’ve realized but can’t think of them off the top of my head. Look up trans guy memes or something, you’ll probably find them.

I haven’t legally or physically transitioned at all yet, but i’d like to. Unfortunately things stand in my way, but hopefully i’ll get there. I’ve heard of trans people coming out in their 40s, 50s, 60s, even older, so I get hope from that, knowing there is no such thing as too late. And regardless, I know who I am, and the right people will respect me for who I am.

And now i’m starting to cry. This is my nonbinary trans journey so far.

And you know what? I hated dresses as a kid (though i’ve always liked skirts, certain ones like skater skirts that weren’t too girly to me) and even now being too feminine (in terms of looks) would make me very uncomfortable. I already have a huge chest and people constantly see me as a woman, it’s just … I don’t know how else to put it. But I can see myself if I get to a point of physically transitioning and looking more like I want, who I know myself to be, then feeling more comfortable dressing and being feminine. I’ve heard other transmasc people say the same thing so I know i’m not alone!

Who knows, maybe i’ll transition, and then wear a dress. I could see me doing that, when i’ve said countless times growing up “you won’t catch me dead in a dress” and shit like that. But sadly, I also know, i’d be terrified to go out in public as a man in a dress. I know there’s nothing wrong with being a man in a dress, but it can be unsafe to say the least. Who knows, I might get the opportunity to be who I am, but still be too afraid to be 100% me, because of the way society is. But I have to hope.

By the way, I also say i’m a nonbinary man. Nonbinary means not 100% either binary gender, some people, like myself, have a connection to a binary gender (or both), some have no connection to either. Of course gender fluid people also fall under nonbinary and they might go from one binary gender to the next. I hope i’ve explained that well enough, apologies if I have not.

I don’t need to make sense to anyone else. I love Jeffrey Marsh and what they’ve said at one point (look up Jeffrey Marsh on Twitter or Youtube, please, they are awesome); that respect has to come before understanding, it doesn’t work the other way around. Understanding can come after respect, but also, it’s ok if it doesn’t. I know people have this desire to understand everything, but it’s ok to not understand everything, just respect people for who they are even if you don’t get it. I don’t understand why that’s hard for people. I am sorry if it’s hard for you, but I believe everyone has the capacity for kindness and love. I’m not saying it’s always easy, i’m saying I believe everyone has the capacity.

When I refused to look into nonbinary and said “I don’t get it” (because I didn’t want to, as explained) I still respected people when they said they were nonbinary and did my best to use the correct pronouns. It wasn’t hard, despite me pushing away my own nonbinary-ness out of intense fear. It was years, like 4 or 5, of me knowing about nonbinary people before I would admit to myself that I am one.

I hope this makes sense, sorry it’s all over the place, but this is my story so far and I know who I am. Life is a journey and it’s never too late to learn more about yourself.

Edit before posting (good thing I write things up ahead of time) to add, not having the words for how I felt growing up and thinking how I felt wasn’t real and I was all alone, is why labels are so important to me. Also for thinking anything not cishet is a sin growing up. You can understand why labels are important to me, I finally have the words to describe how I feel, and I also didn’t make them up myself, meaning others feel the same way and i’m not alone! (Also, to certain people: all words are made up, language is a living thing). Labels don’t need to be important to everyone, but for some people they are, and both are ok.

Also, representation is important. I read Gender Queer and in a lot of ways, it was like reading my own story, so again, finally, seeing that i’m not alone. And I learned more words for things I had no idea had words! Feelings I didn’t know had words to describe them, that other people put into words before me. Words and representation are powerful.

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My Bisexual Journey

I am a nonbinary trans guy. I have to say that to explain all this. I didn’t realize i’m trans (in large part because I didn’t have the words and was also already queer and disabled I felt like too much already, even before learning i’m autistic as well) until I was 30. So until 30 I just assumed I couldn’t “girl” properly, which makes no sense whatsoever.

So when I realized I was very attracted to girls at 13, I knew then that i’m bisexual. I’m still bisexual, that hasn’t changed. I was also raised though to believe queerness is a sin so I tried for years to “pray the gay part of me away”. And of course me and my big mouth did say to my parents “I think i’m bi” right away because I didn’t think first. Mom cried, which broke my heart. I forget what my stepparents said. My dad said “it’s a phase” and of course a sin. I shut up about it and just silently prayed to be straight, for years, while reading the bible.

Also, i’m pagan now but that’s not the point of this post. I don’t care what religion someone is as long as they don’t use their beliefs to hurt others or try to shove their beliefs down others throats. That’s it.

I’ve only been with cis guys. I’m mostly attracted to women. Now that I know about nonbinary yes i’m also attracted to nonbinary people (and as mentioned, am one myself). I can be attracted to all genders. Could I call myself pansexual? Apparently, but I have my reasons for being comfortable with bisexual. Read the bisexual manifesto from the 90s, it was NEVER trans-exclusionary. Also if you say (this is only specific people) “I say pansexual because I am attracted to trans men and trans women too” THAT is transphobic because when a bisexual person says they are attracted to men and women, trans people are by default included in that as trans men are men and trans women are women, if you feel the need to separate them, the problem is with your internalized transphobia and not actually seeing trans men as men and trans women as women.

A part of me wishes I could leave it there but I must say, I know it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We all have internalized crap or don’t know things. It’s just feeling the need to say “I’m attracted to men, women and trans men and trans women” just … it’s awful. I don’t know how else to say it. That’s implying trans men and trans women aren’t really men and women. You see the problem? I’ll get to nonbinary people in the next paragraph. (quick side note: You can’t help who you are or are not attracted to. I am NOT saying you have to be attracted to trans people. That is not what i’m saying. Before people put words in my mouth…)

Are there transphobic bi people? Of course there are. Again, that’s specific people. I have nothing against pansexual people or the label. We’re all different and that’s beautiful. My issue is with certain people not the label. I’m just comfortable with bisexual and am stubborn and want to break the stigmas surrounding bisexuality. It’s not transphobic. It can include all genders (a definition of bisexuality: Attracted to 2 or more genders). There, ya got your 2 and it can include all. Again, bisexual manifesto, 90s, look it up if you want. It even says “don’t assume there are only 2 genders”.

Back to my journey with it. Because religion I had shame about being bisexual for years. Eventually I did break that shame, but it took awhile. I married a cis man in 2014. He died last year in 2021 but we had been together since 2010. He was a wonderful man and I loved him and always will have a place for him in my heart. When I came out as trans and discussed it all with him he was completely accepting.

Now, i’m a single widow. I’m only 33, so who knows what might happen with the rest of my life. If I find love again, who knows what the gender or sex of the person might be. As long as we work together and are happy, that’s all I care about.

I did mention I am mostly attracted to women, but also sometimes to men and sometimes to nonbinary people. Something funny I guess is once I accepted i’m bisexual and had pride a part of me was like “well at least i’m closer to gay than straight” even though that’s not how that works and bisexuality is it’s own thing. I still find this kinda funny though, feel free to laugh if you do to. Now? Me realizing i’m trans has kinda flipped that on it’s head and made me go “oh … crap … but i’m still bi!!” 😂And it’s true. I am still bisexual.

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10 Books that define my reading taste part 2

I came up with 50 potential books for this and instead of narrowing it down to 10 I decided to make 5 posts lol. Here is part 2.

It by Stephen King

Horror. Very character-driven. I absolutely love character-driven and getting to know the characters! Coming of age.

Krampus: The Yule Lord by Brom

Fantasy. Holiday. Reminds me to not be a Grinch during the holidays. Emotional.

Better Off Red by Rebekah Weatherspoon

Paranormal romance. Vampires. F/F. Much erotic-ness. But also emotional with some depth. Romance. First book in a trilogy and for some stupid reason I never continued. I have it on audio now and need to reread it since I own all 3 physically.

Are We Smart Enough to Know How Smart Animals Are? by Frans de Waal

Nonfiction. Animals. ❤

Ice Massacre by Tiana Warner

Character depth. Friendships. Action. YA Fantasy. Queer. F/F.

Defining Myself: Transmasculine Experience Through Poetry by Michael Eric Brown

I am transmasc. Transmasculine poetry. I cried. A lot. Related so hard to this!

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe

I also related a lot to this! A Nonfiction autobiography about growing up nonbinary and asexual. I am not asexual but I am nonbinary and I wish i’d had this as a teenager. It would have helped tremendously! I am so glad it exists now and I wish people would quit banning it!

Disability Visibility: First-Person Stories from the Twenty-first Century edited by Alice Wong

Nonfiction essays by disabled people about disability. These 37 essays feature a huge diversity of disabled people! Queer, Trans, People of Color, physical and mental disabilities, all very much featured in here! It’s accessible and so very much needed. If I could ask everyone to read just ONE book, it’d be this one! No question about it!

The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen

Fantasy. Fairy-Tale. I love The Little Mermaid.

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib

Exactly what it says, a queer Muslim memoir.

Have you read any of these? Thoughts?

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