My feelings on being called Brave

I’ve been called brave a lot in my life. I’ve been called brave lately for starting T, starting medical transition because I am a trans man.

Other reasons i’ve been called brave: I was born with VACteRL Association (It’s an acronym, there is a reason it’s capitalized like that) aka i’m a medical mess. I even got shit wrong with me that don’t fit into vacterl. I was born disabled and in chronic pain and I will die that way. I do not know what a minute without pain is like or what it’s like to be abled.

I’m bisexual and a nonbinary trans man surrounded by people who think that’s a sin, living in a world that wants people like me dead. In particular the trans part.

I’m also surrounded by people who think me being Wiccan is demonic.

I had to recently stop talking to my dad because he refuses to accept me as Tyler, his son.

I’m autistic and have adhd and did not know this until my 30s. I also have anxiety, depression, and ptsd (for multiple reasons, both simple and complex).

I’ve been abused from multiple people. I’ve been used. I’ve been raped. I’ve been in situations where I should be dead.

Hell that last part is my entire life. I was born with vacterl association because of lead where my mom worked, a glass factory, when she was pregnant with me. They tested their employees lead levels once a year (i’m 34 so this was the 80s btw) and it came up when she was 2-3 months pregnant with me. The doctors tested hers and mine. They said she should have been dead or at least a vegetable, and I, or the fetus that became me, should have been a miscarriage. Logically, it makes no sense that I am here. My mom quit working there immediately upon learning that. But it didn’t stop there. There are other situations in my life where I shouldn’t be alive ranging from an abusive boyfriend to a house fire I was in. I was saved by my neighbor with a ladder.

Statistically, people like me often unalive themselves, and i’ve had thoughts of doing just that for over 20 years now. Physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans, mental health issues … I wonder what the statistics would say about me.

Prior to starting T just last month I know that’s where I was headed. I realized I had 2 options. 1 Attempt to be myself, transition, try to live as a trans man, as who I am or 2 suicide. This is me trying to live.

I became a widow in my early 30s. Jan 17th, 2021 my mommom died, during a time me and my husband were moving into our own home and I was also learning i’m autistic, and we moved in late January and February 16th, my husband died. My husband and my mommom were the 2 people in my life who I knew loved me and accepted me as I am. I don’t think my mommom “got” it, but she accepted me. She called me Tyler. I had come out as nonbinary at 30 and socially asked people to use my name Tyler. I talked to my husband about wanting to transition (but medical reasons and disability delayed me starting) and he supported me. Now … I just started a month ago and he’s not here with me. As excited as I am about transitioning … it’s bittersweet. I really, really wish he was here with me. I know he’d be proud of me. I know he’d want me to be happy.

So … after that brief story of my life … how do I feel about being called brave?

Well, I finally know it’s true. I am brave. To go through all that, and to continue to, every single day. To still be here, to still breathe, to exist. Just existing as someone like me is brave. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I know it’s true. And I appreciate that it’s seen by people. That all this bravery isn’t invisible. Because it’s fucking hard and it hurts. So yea, I know it’s true and I appreciate it when people call me brave … but … yes, there’s a but. But I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be this brave. I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist. It’s exhausting and it’s painful and no one should have to be brave like this, just to exist as themselves, as myself. Brave just to breathe. I should have a right to exist peacefully as me.

I know i’m far from alone in this. Having to be brave just to exist. If you relate to having to be brave just to exist, you aren’t alone. You shouldn’t have to go through this. This world is deeply fucked up, and I will never fully wrap my head around why. I like to believe I see a glimmer of hope for the future though…

So no, i’m not offended, I know i’m brave and I appreciate it, but what other choice do I have? It’s be brave … or die.

And I don’t want to die without at least trying to be myself. I’d seriously regret not even trying.

I don’t want to die before legally changing my name (i’m currently working on it).

I don’t want to die without trying to actually live.

You can say i’m brave, but i’ll just think, “Yes, but what other choice do I have?”

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

One Month on T (Testosterone): Transitioning

I started T February 2nd. I’m a nonbinary trans man. He/They. I started on a low dose because I have a lot of medical issues and I want to see how my body reacts first and figure this is a smart way. I have gone through Plume because reasons. I am using the Testosterone Gel 1.62%, 1 pump a day and each pump gives 20.25mg of testosterone. I figure i’ll track my transition here. I’ve also made some tiktok videos, my linktree link at the bottom has links to all my socials, including tiktok if you’re interested.

I still have a long way to go in transition, i’ve barely begun, so please send good vibes or whatever you believe in for it to go well, especially with my medical issues.

CW: Talk about “downstairs”, horniness and masturbating. It’s a part of T and i’m going to talk about all of it. Do not proceed if this bothers you in any way or if you’re related to me. Thank you.

So, changes. Within the first day I noticed an increase in horniness. Yes, apparently that’s how it starts lol. I seriously felt like a dog in heat for a bit there. Now it seems more normal, like, guy normal, which is significantly hornier than I was pre-T. But it’s not insane. I can function lol. Before I’d masturbate maybe a few times a month? Now it’s almost every day. Typically once. Sometimes more.

Also before I typically needed some sort of help, to get off. Porn, reading smut, a toy. Now, it seems I do sometimes but, not usually. It’s actually interesting, especially because i’ve heard other trans guys say the opposite and I seem to be alone in this (but i’m sure i’m not).

The feeling, all of it, is different. Within the first 2 weeks I also felt bottom growth. That’s when the clit grows on T, it basically turns into a mini penis. It’s made from the same stuff after all. From my understanding it grows a little, stops, months later or whatever it’ll grow some more etc. And yes, I felt it. That seems to be normal from what I gather. Some trans guys say it hurts. At worst it was uncomfortable for me but generally just made me horny (i’ve heard other trans guys say the same thing, so it depends). It’s still small obviously because it’s only been a month but there is noticeable growth, and I love it.

The way I masturbate has already changed. My clit is so much more sensitive than before. I can just lightly stroke it, that’s not something I could do before. I can also feel and see when it’s hard and erect, just like a penis, just smaller. The sensation is also more localized. Before I could feel the pleasure through my whole body. Now it’s more localized but also more intense. I wouldn’t say either way is bad, they both feel good, but this way feels more right for me personally. It’s also easier for me to get off than before, which is nice because sometimes it seemed impossible before and the fact I have chronic pain wasn’t helping.

T can make it drier down there (which can hurt, cause bleeding..), but it can also make it wetter because it tends to cause more horny than before. So, depends on if the T or the horny wins. I have noticed at times it being too dry (and there is stuff for that), but when i’m wet even that feels different, and I don’t have the (normal) white discharge I used to. I can’t tell if the smell down there has changed or not, sometimes it seemed to but not other times. T can make there smell like dick and balls, so i’ve heard.

I’ve also noticed an increase in hunger. Nothing drastic because I was born with vacterl association and the imperforate anus part of that includes serious stomach issues with me. Hunger is not something my body tends to have, I just eat because I have to, but my body also hates food because it’s too stupid to work right, or like, at all. So barely eating could be difficult before. Now … I actually want to eat (a normal amount) and can eat easier, with less trouble and actually feel hungry a little every now and then, which with my severe stomach issues is a big deal.

I mentioned I started T February 2nd. I got my period February 7th. Seemed pretty normal, mighta been a little lighter/shorter than usual but who knows as one period to the next can change.

Also I noticed my mood, i’m much happier, less anxious and depressed (it’s hasn’t cured anything, I still have anxiety and shit, but i’m happier and able to cope better than before). I feel more me, more myself. More confidence. Still got work to do, but it’s nice.

I also cry less. I thought trans guys saying they couldn’t cry anymore or couldn’t cry as much as before was bullshit. Honestly, I thought it was internalized toxic masculinity and certainly wouldn’t affect my over-emotional cry at everything self and I know men are allowed to cry and it’s nothing shameful, and as I said, I was a constant crier and couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t bullshit. I can still cry. I haven’t lost the ability. But I don’t cry at every little thing like I used to. Commercials, puppies, stress, tv, movies, books, frustration…. Now it takes something significant to me to make me cry, and even then I don’t sob like I used to and it’s over much quicker. I’m not trying to do that, it just stops. Like my body saying “ok, done now”. I can try to cry and it doesn’t work anymore. Before I couldn’t get myself to stop crying until I had been cried out, now I can barely get me to start let alone continue for more than a few minutes no matter happened. Like I said, I can still cry though, it just takes more and is over much quicker.

I do still feel the emotions. Emotions can be less intense but I still have them. They haven’t gone anywhere. But I can handle them better to. Not perfect i’m sure, but better.

I do have a bit more of a mustache than I did before but it still has a lot of growing in to do. I’m not sure how much my face and body mighta changed, my mom said she can see some change but i’m also trying to lose weight (and failing). Same with my voice, it seems to be a little lower (using a voice app) but not much and it still very much in the female range. Voice (and facial hair) take longer than other changes though. Plus i’m surprised being on a low dose for just 1 month I have as much changes as I do, but i’m happy with them!

Also my face feels a bit oily and i’ve noticed a few more pimples than usual (but nothing bad yet).

So that’s it so far. Here is a pic of me Pre-T

And a pic of me now, one month on T

Ignore the fact I look mean. I wasn’t smiling only because I wanted to see my face shape without smiling.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

Me and My Dysphoria Monster: An Empowering Story to Help Children Cope with Gender Dysphoria by Laura Kate Dale and Hui Qing Ang Book Review

I wish i’d had this as a child. I would’ve had the words and known I wasn’t alone so much sooner.

There are some draft errors (like on one page it says missing words and later some sentences just stop in the middle) but I got this from Netgalley and it is an e-arc draft so i’m not holding that against it.

Nisha is a trans girl. She has a dysphoria monster that keeps getting bigger as she’s misgendered but then she comes out and has support and her monster gets smaller. At first she wanted her monster to just go away but with the help of an adult trans man learns what her monster was trying to tell her, and living as who she is makes her so much happier and confident. It’s a beautiful story and has information for adults wanting to support trans kids after the story. I highly recommend this book!

Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the e-arc.

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My June POP (Pile of Possibilities)

My June TBR/POP. I go with POP because I don’t do a strict tbr anymore. Pop gives me more room and I don’t have to feel bad about not getting to something, it’s just a huge list of possibilities.

On my 30th birthday (i’m 33 now) I made a “40 before 40 list” that i’m still working on. I should be done years before I actually turn 40 lol. I am hoping to get to

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

for my 40 before 40 list.

For my “Creatures, Creatures Everywhere!” Goodreads Group I am hoping to get to

Joyland by Stephen King

Other things I would like to get to for one reason or another include:

The Mist by Stephen King
Why I’m Afraid of Bees by R.L. Stine
Archaeology – March/April 2022 by Archaeological Institute Of America
Philosophy Now – issue 149 by Anja Publications
BBC Wildlife Magazine – Spring 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd
Archaeology – May/June 2022 by Archaeological Institute Of America
BBC Science Focus Magazine – April 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd

I’d still be behind on magazines, but progress ya know?

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

This is my July Group read pick for my Goodreads Group “The eclecticist of eclectic book club“. I might read it a little early so I can be prepared and come up with things to discuss as well as the fact I should be having surgery in July, though that’s not until mid-July so I could read it before hand and all that, but we’ll see if I get to it a little bit early or not.

Saga, Volume 5 by Brian K. Vaughan
Transformation: The Breakthrough by Whitley Strieber
Monster Musume, Vol. 7 by OKAYADO
Swell by Liz Clark
The Hacienda by Isabel Cañas
Mermaids and Other Mysteries of the Deep edited by Paula Guran
Tides: The Science and Spirit of the Ocean by Jonathan White

Some potential reads to fulfill bingo boards (and also because I want to of course!)

Trans Wizard Harriet Porber and the Bad Boy Parasaurolophus: An Adult Romance Novel by Chuck Tingle
Break by Hannah Moskowitz
Coral by Sara Ella
Strange Planet by Nathan W. Pyle
The Animated Skeleton by Anonymous
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Cattywampus by Ash Van Otterloo
Eat Your Heart Out by Dayna Ingram

Cattywampus has intersex rep and Eat Your Heart Out has lesbians.

Some potential LGBTQ+ books because pride month!

Spectrums: Autistic Transgender People in Their Own Words by Maxfield Sparrow
The Backstagers: 2018 Valentine’s Intermission #1 by James Tynion IV, Rian Sygh
Sunscreen & Coconuts by Eliza Lentzski
Lumberjanes, Vol. 4: Out of Time by Noelle Stevenson
Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel
Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock
Fledgling by Octavia E. Butler
Ripples & Waves: A Queer Retelling of Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid by L.A. Witt
Heartstopper: Volume One by Alice Oseman
Hugged by Verity Ritchie
Sea Foam and Silence by S.L. Dove Cooper
After Hours, Vol. 1 by Yuhta Nishio
Trans Love: An Anthology of Transgender and Non-Binary Voices by Freiya Benson
There Are Trans People Here by H. Melt
Precision Instruments by Blue Neustifter
Take Back the Word: a queer reading of the bible edited by Robert E. Shore-Goss and Mona West

Yes, that’s way more than I can read in a month, and I have even more possibilities listed on my bullet journal pages! It’s not called a POP for nothing! So here’s hoping for a wonderful reading filled June!

Stuff i’d like to watch in June includes; I started The Skull Man on Hidive awhile ago, really need to continue that. Would love to watch Prehistoric Planet on Apple TV+. I have watched 1 episode of Make or Break, a surfing show, on Apple TV+ and really want to continue that. I also watched, on AMC+, an episode of Creepshow. I’d love to watch The Little Mermaid tv show, haven’t watched that actually, at all. Despite loving The Little Mermaid.

If I don’t watch My Little Pony: Make Your Mark before June I need to watch that. Also, Stranger Things! I have watched the first 3 Nightmare on Elm Street movies so I need to continue that series. Also need to watch Sonic 2. And on Discovery+ June 1st should be coming a show called Generation Drag that sounds like it’d be fun!

I need to get to my Sims 2 game but who the hell knows if that’s going to happen lol.

What oh what will June hold?

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