My feelings on being called Brave

I’ve been called brave a lot in my life. I’ve been called brave lately for starting T, starting medical transition because I am a trans man.

Other reasons i’ve been called brave: I was born with VACteRL Association (It’s an acronym, there is a reason it’s capitalized like that) aka i’m a medical mess. I even got shit wrong with me that don’t fit into vacterl. I was born disabled and in chronic pain and I will die that way. I do not know what a minute without pain is like or what it’s like to be abled.

I’m bisexual and a nonbinary trans man surrounded by people who think that’s a sin, living in a world that wants people like me dead. In particular the trans part.

I’m also surrounded by people who think me being Wiccan is demonic.

I had to recently stop talking to my dad because he refuses to accept me as Tyler, his son.

I’m autistic and have adhd and did not know this until my 30s. I also have anxiety, depression, and ptsd (for multiple reasons, both simple and complex).

I’ve been abused from multiple people. I’ve been used. I’ve been raped. I’ve been in situations where I should be dead.

Hell that last part is my entire life. I was born with vacterl association because of lead where my mom worked, a glass factory, when she was pregnant with me. They tested their employees lead levels once a year (i’m 34 so this was the 80s btw) and it came up when she was 2-3 months pregnant with me. The doctors tested hers and mine. They said she should have been dead or at least a vegetable, and I, or the fetus that became me, should have been a miscarriage. Logically, it makes no sense that I am here. My mom quit working there immediately upon learning that. But it didn’t stop there. There are other situations in my life where I shouldn’t be alive ranging from an abusive boyfriend to a house fire I was in. I was saved by my neighbor with a ladder.

Statistically, people like me often unalive themselves, and i’ve had thoughts of doing just that for over 20 years now. Physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans, mental health issues … I wonder what the statistics would say about me.

Prior to starting T just last month I know that’s where I was headed. I realized I had 2 options. 1 Attempt to be myself, transition, try to live as a trans man, as who I am or 2 suicide. This is me trying to live.

I became a widow in my early 30s. Jan 17th, 2021 my mommom died, during a time me and my husband were moving into our own home and I was also learning i’m autistic, and we moved in late January and February 16th, my husband died. My husband and my mommom were the 2 people in my life who I knew loved me and accepted me as I am. I don’t think my mommom “got” it, but she accepted me. She called me Tyler. I had come out as nonbinary at 30 and socially asked people to use my name Tyler. I talked to my husband about wanting to transition (but medical reasons and disability delayed me starting) and he supported me. Now … I just started a month ago and he’s not here with me. As excited as I am about transitioning … it’s bittersweet. I really, really wish he was here with me. I know he’d be proud of me. I know he’d want me to be happy.

So … after that brief story of my life … how do I feel about being called brave?

Well, I finally know it’s true. I am brave. To go through all that, and to continue to, every single day. To still be here, to still breathe, to exist. Just existing as someone like me is brave. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I know it’s true. And I appreciate that it’s seen by people. That all this bravery isn’t invisible. Because it’s fucking hard and it hurts. So yea, I know it’s true and I appreciate it when people call me brave … but … yes, there’s a but. But I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be this brave. I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist. It’s exhausting and it’s painful and no one should have to be brave like this, just to exist as themselves, as myself. Brave just to breathe. I should have a right to exist peacefully as me.

I know i’m far from alone in this. Having to be brave just to exist. If you relate to having to be brave just to exist, you aren’t alone. You shouldn’t have to go through this. This world is deeply fucked up, and I will never fully wrap my head around why. I like to believe I see a glimmer of hope for the future though…

So no, i’m not offended, I know i’m brave and I appreciate it, but what other choice do I have? It’s be brave … or die.

And I don’t want to die without at least trying to be myself. I’d seriously regret not even trying.

I don’t want to die before legally changing my name (i’m currently working on it).

I don’t want to die without trying to actually live.

You can say i’m brave, but i’ll just think, “Yes, but what other choice do I have?”

Fidget Toys are Magic (and self-discovery in my 30s)

At 30 I realized i’m nonbinary trans. At 31 almost 32 I learned i’m autistic, at around the same time my husband and grandmother, my 2 supporters, died just a month apart (and me and my husband had finally just moved into our own home 2 weeks prior to his death, with my grandma dying weeks before we moved in and him dying weeks after, so you can imagine the inner chaos from learning i’m autistic during that time). Now 33 i’m learning I have ADHD as well.

I have recently discovered fidget toys can help me pay attention while watching stuff! Youtube videos, tv shows etc. I have so much trouble paying attention! Fidget toys help. They are stimulating, entertaining, calming. Where has this knowledge been all my life?!

Learning so much about myself in my 30s shows me self-discovery is a lifelong journey. You are never too old.

You are never too old.

I’m sorry that’s depressing but it’s my truth and I am proud to be autistic now. What’s depressing is the deaths and the chaos, not the autism.

Knowledge is power. I understand myself better now, seeing my childhood in a whole new lens. I can use this knowledge to understand myself, better understand others, and help myself through life. And it helps me to be proud of who I am. Before I thought I was just a failed human who couldn’t figure out how to human. Now, I know better. I’m not a failure, i’m just neurodivergent. And i’m awesome just the way I am.

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Weekly Wednesday Wrap Up July 13th, 2022

What I am currently reading

Why I’m Afraid of Bees by R.L. Stine

I started this last night. Not far in but i’m liking it so far. I feel awful for the main character!

What I finished in the past week

Monster Musume, Vol. 8 by Okayado – 4 stars

Not much to say. Still enjoying the series. Funny and like the characters.

Saga, Volume 5 & 6 by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples – 5 and 4.5 stars

Can’t say much about volume 5 and 6. If you haven’t read Saga yet I highly recommend it! This is me continuing my reread in preparation for volume 10 in October! A wonderful science fiction comic series!

What do I think i’ll read next?

Gender Queer: A Memoir Deluxe Edition by Maia Kobabe – I read this years ago and it meant so much to me! More than words can say, but I did write a review Here. So of course I needed the deluxe edition that just came out!

NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman – like I said last week i’m autistic and this is very highly rated.

The Gender Friend: A 102 Guide to Gender Identity by Oakley Phoenix by Oakley Phoenix – I got this from Netgalley.

A Little Pinprick by Paige Dearth – I also got this from netgalley and have loved a couple books by Paige Dearth before! I’m preparing to be emotionally devastated. Paige’s books tend to do that.

Monster Musume, Vol. 9 by Okayado – Continuing the series.

Other Stuff

I’m having surgery July 18th and will be in the hospital about a week most likely. I am not sure what i’ll be able to do while in the hospital or while recovering, which could take a month or 2. I imagine i’ll be able to blog once I get home even though i’ll still be recovering. Either way, health comes first. I’ll get back to blogging when I can if I have to take a hiatus. I do have a post scheduled for the 19th and the 26th.

Links to all my socials

May Book Haul Part 2

I swear May 2022 has been the month i’ve bought the most books ever! I don’t normally buy THIS many books! The first part didn’t actually quite cover the first half because I expected to buy less in the second half … oops. Anyway, on with the books!

Audio Books

The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity–and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race by Daniel Z. Lieberman
Hurts So Good: The Science and Culture of Pain on Purpose by Leigh Cowart
The Bone Houses by Emily Lloyd-Jones
Black Flags, Blue Waters: The Epic History of America’s Most Notorious Pirates by Eric Jay Dolin
Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law by Mary Roach
The Kaiju Preservation Society by John Scalzi
How Dogs Love Us: A Neuroscientist and His Adopted Dog Decode the Canine Brain by Gregory Berns
The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman
A Court of Frost and Starlight by Sarah J. Maas
Mind to Matter: The Astonishing Science of How Your Brain Creates Material Reality by Dawson Church
Hippie by Paulo Coelho
The [Un]Popular Vote by Jasper Sanchez
Ghost Story by Peter Straub
And the Trees Crept In by Dawn Kurtagich
The Cat Who Saved Books by Sōsuke Natsukawa
Robbergirl by S.T. Gibson
Coraline by Neil Gaiman
The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate

I got most, if not all, of these via sales! The Bone House involves a disabled character. The (Un)Popular Vote has a transgender character. Ghost Story i’ve read via Libby and loved. Also, it wouldn’t process after I bought it so I had to talk to audible help. They were really nice. I ended up getting a refund and a $10 credit so I could buy it again (it was a 24 hour $5 flash sale and refunds aren’t processed that quickly) and it worked.

I read And the Trees Crept In via Netgalley years ago and really enjoyed it. The Cat Who Saved Books, cats AND books, what could be better?! Robbergirl is a lesbian Robin Hood retelling. I read Coraline years ago via Scribd and really enjoyed it.


Alien Erotica: The Invasion by Nikki Orchid
High School Hypnosis 1 by Jezebel Rose
In the Werewolf’s Den: Lesbian Erotica by Tara Shaw
Serving Her Ladyship: Lesbian Erotica by Tara Shaw
Seduced by Her Boss! Lesbian Erotica Part 2 by Allison Lindell
She Thought I Was Asleep… A Lesbian Erotic Story by Allison Lindell
Sunbathing Seduction: A Lesbian Erotic Story by Allison Lindell
The Trans Case Against Queer Theory by TaraElla
Conscience by Jonathan Pongratz

Smashwords. Free and cheap. What? I’m stocking up on taboo reads for Taboo Thursday ok? Not that I don’t have a ton of things I could read for that already that I haven’t read yet … Well some of it’s taboo, not all of it. And of course the The Trans Case Against Queer Theory because i’m trans and I believe I got Conscience through signing up for some email newsletter thing.

Kindle Books

Tordotcom Publishing 2022 Debut Sampler by Scotto Moore
Secrets of Watercolor – From Basics to Special Effects (Essential Artist Techniques) by Joe García
The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale
Spooky Business by Addison Creek
The Chimpanzee Whisperer: A Life of Love and Loss, Compassion and Conservation by Stany Nyandwi
The Literature Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained by James Canton
The Connecticut Corpse Caper by Tyler Colins
If She Dies by Erik Therme
Abra-Cadaver by Matt Drabble
Acoustics by London Price
The Atlas Defect by A.J. Scudiere
Death and a Dog by Fiona Grace
Blood Debt by Heather MacKinnon
Phantoms by Dean Koontz
Where City Lights Fade by Seth Pevey
Philosophy Now – Issue 150 by Anja Publications
Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
The Haunting of Blackwater Cottage: A Riveting Haunted House Mystery by Clay Wise
The Spark of Life: Electricity in the Human Body by Frances Ashcroft
Covet the Night: Ascent of the Wicked Book 1 by Rebecca Main
The Sacrificial Man by Ruth Dugdall
Sọ̀rọ̀sóke: An #Endsars Anthology by Jumoke Verisimo and James Yeku
Quaker faith & practice by Religious Society of Friends

Again, I got a lot of these, if not all of them, free and cheap because of various reasons! Free and cheap is going to be the death of me. Acoustics is a transgender M/M romance!


My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie

I have not read this and this is infamous apparently.

Physical Books

I Can’t Believe I Slept With You! Vol. 1 by Miyako Miyahara
The Cybernetic Tea Shop by Meredith Katz
Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus (Newly Annotated): The Original 1818 Version with New Introduction and Footnotes by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price
The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney Company
How to Identify Yourself With a Wound by KB
Crooked Tree by Robert C. Wilson
Invasion of the Body Squeezers Part 1 by R.L. Stine
Frankenstein: Annotated for Scientists, Engineers, and Creators of All Kinds by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Ice Orchids by Eulo Elena Yates
Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Are You Terrified Yet? by R.L. Stine
Jekyll and Heidi by R.L. Stine
The Haunted Car by R.L. Stine
Attack of the Graveyard Ghouls by R.L. Stine
Fright Camp by R.L. Stine
I Am Your Evil Twin by R.L. Stine
Revenge R Us by R.L. Stine
Invasion of the Body Squeezers, Part 2 by R.L. Stine
Cry of the Cat by R.L. Stine
Savage Island by Brian Moreland
Bag of Bones by Stephen King
The Party by Christopher Pike
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Dumbstruck: A Cultural History of Ventriloquism by Steven Connor
The Little Mermaid and Other Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen
Take Back the Word: a queer reading of the bible by Robert E. Shore-Goss
Bible Trouble: Queer Reading at the Boundaries of Biblical Scholarship by Teresa J. Hornsby
The Dance by Christopher Pike
The Graduation by Christopher Pike
To Be Devoured by Sara Tantlinger
The Book of Non-Binary Joy by Ben Pechey
The Plants by Kenneth McKenney

I got many of these from thriftbooks and a few from a used book store really cheap! I Can’t Believe I Slept With You is a Yuri (F/F) Manga. Frankenstein, well we already know i’m obsessed. Same with The Little Mermaid now. How to Identify Yourself With a Wound is queer and poetry. I got Bag of Bones, The Party, and The Scarlett Letter really cheap at a used book store near me, and then I had to get The Dance and The Graduation on thriftbooks since they are out of print so I could make sure I had the full trilogy, also got those really cheap.

To Be Devoured I read years ago on KU and loved it, and it’s going out of print in July so I had to snatch up a physical copy! It’s queer horror. The Non-binary Book of Joy was a pre-order from B&N that arrived a bit damaged. Bent, crinkled, scuffed, but it’s still in one piece and readable so I said to hell with it i’ll keep it. It came via UPS.

Have you read any of these? What did you get in the month of May? Part 1 is Here.

Links to all my socials

Autistic people to follow on Instagram!

If you want to support actually autistic people and want to learn but have no idea where to start, here are some autistic instagrammers I recommend you follow!

Disabled.Autistic.Lesbian They have so much information on being autistic! They give autistic media rec’s, share information, and sing! A link in their bio will also take you to their YouTube channel.

TheAutisticLife So much information on autism!

Autienelle Again, so much information about being autistic! As well as beautiful pictures.

Fidgets.And.Fries She is a black autistic mom of 2 autistic black boys. So much of autistic advocacy, is white. She brings light to stuff that is badly needed to be seen and yet so many, including white autistic people, ignore.

ActuallyAutisticTikToks It’s exactly what it says. A bunch of tik toks by actually autistic people!

NeurodivergentRebel They are a late (though a little earlier than me) discovered autistic person. So much autistic pride! I love their page and they make YouTube videos to! A link to it is in their bio.

LifeInAutismWorld Many posts about being autistic.

It may not be a ton but there’s still a lot of information on all of them! It’s a wonderful start!

Welcome to my new blog (sort of) & May POP (Pile of Possibilities)

I have redone my blog and deleted most of my old blog posts. I wasn’t happy with how it was going, plus I learned about how there’s only so much space I can use and freaked out about all the pictures I had up. Pictures aside though (and that’s not to say I won’t post any pictures from here on out, I just won’t have a ton like I used to) I wasn’t happy with my posts or random schedule.

I’m going to try and stick to a schedule and pre-write up posts. I’m thinking Saturday and Tuesday posts. What will I post? Still whatever I want but since I am a reader there will be bookish content. I do more than just read though so there will be other content to. Movies? TV Shows? Games? Life stuff? Random topics?

My May TBR/POP includes:

Magazines. I have Archaeology, Discover, Philosophy, Science Focus, and Wildlife magazines I badly need to catch up on.

Love & Other Disasters by Anita Kelly. I am currently reading this (as I type this). A female/nonbinary romance? Yes please! My nonbinary queer heart is so happy this exists!

On my 30th birthday (i’m 33 now) I made a “40 books to read before 40” and i’m still working on it! It shouldn’t take me until i’m 40 to finish it. From the books on that list I still need to get to i’m thinking To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo, or Like Water Like Chocolate by Laura Esquivel for May.

I’m trying to make my way through all the Goosebumps books I haven’t read yet (or don’t remember reading) and up next is Why I’m Afraid of Bees and Deep Trouble (and then i’d read Deep Trouble II) all by R.L. Stine.

I also have a out of state Brooklyn Public Library card so I read something using that every month.

I am privately doing a couple bingo boards for the year. One was made by someone else and a friend shared with it me, the other I made to make sure i’m reading as diversely as I claim.

For a Neurodivergent author i’m thinking of reading The Brightsiders by Jen Wilde, Get a Life Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert or Trans Wizard Harriet Porber and the Bad Boy Parasaurolophus by Chuck Tingle.

For first book by a fave author I had some trouble with that as it feels weird to call any other author except R.L. Stine a favorite author because most authors i’ve read 1 book by, but I couldn’t use R.L. Stine because I think that was The Baby-Sitter which i’ve already read, and didn’t like. So, i’m cheating I guess but I can’t see another way to do it, i’m using authors i’ve read 1 book by but I DID love those books so … Anyway for that i’m thinking of Break by Hannah Moskowitz or Believe Like a Child by Paige Dearth.

For mental health rep i’m looking at Girl in Pieces by Kathleen Glasgow, Under Rose-Tainted Skies by Louise Gornall or Coral by Sara Ella.

I’m also re-reading the Saga series to prepare for volume 10, and I was trying to re-read them faster until I saw volume 10 won’t be out until late October. Next up on my re-reading is volume 5.

I do have 2 pages filled with a lot of possibilities in my bullet journal but I don’t want to be overwhelming here lol. Also of note, it’s Mermay!

Pile of Possibilities means I don’t *have* to get to anything specifically, these are all just possibilities!

Speaking of possibilities though i’m also trying to work on watching stuff since i’m so bad with that!

I’m in the middle of watching The Nightmare on Elm Street series. I’ve watched the first 3 so far. As mentioned it’s also Mermay. I have started The Skull Man on Hidive, only watched 3 episodes so far. Other shows I would like to maybe watch include: Leave it to Geege, My Pregnant Husband, Everything’s Gonna be Okay, Our Flag Means Death, and Special. All of these are either about being autistic or queer!

I also love to play Sims 2 and don’t play that enough so there is that to. I have other games I should probably play though … lol.