wickedjr89 life, mental health, transgender

Two months on T (Testosterone) and Mental Health

My one month on T update blog post is Here which goes more in-depth on some things.

It’s been 2 months on T for me today! Just last week I finally had an appointment with an endocrinologist, who is trans friendly and see trans patients! I had blood work done. Right now it’ll be a couple months before I can switch to getting my T from Plume to my endocrinologist, I still have to get a gender dysphoria letter from my therapist (and I need another month before I can do that) and to see my new ob/gyn which my appointment isn’t until May 26th, but the new gyn apparently specializes in trans health care (and is part of Penn medicine, where I go to a lot because I was born with vacterl association).

So right now i’m waiting for Plume to respond as I just sent them my blood work, no idea if they’ll take that or if i’ll have to get more in a month from them specifically. My endo said i’ll need an estrogen blocker, and my blood work shows that. From what i’ve gathered (internet searching) it looks like my estrogen is still in the female range (and my endo said that’ll prevent me from getting the full effects of T) and my T is in the very low male range (which surprises me it got that high as i’m only on one pump of Gel to start with). My estradiol (estrogen) is 85.1 and my testosterone is 378 and my Free testosterone(Direct) is 15.8. I’m not 100% sure what it all means, but that’s what doctors are for.

Not sure how high I should go with the T but males produce the most T during puberty, in the teenage years. And … puberty is what i’m trying to go through here lol. But at the same time I don’t want to jump to high too fast, simply because I want to make sure my body is still cool with it. But again, that’s what doctors are for.

Side effects i’ve seen already these first 2 months

Bottom growth. T turns the clit into a min-dick. Seriously. It’s made from the same stuff after all. And it looks and acts like one. I mean of course there isn’t a hole to pee out of in it or anything .. but it gets hard. I can stroke it which I could not do pre-T. Pleasure and orgasm feel entirely different. Mine is still small but damn I love my little dude already. I can get erections now holy shit. The gender euphoria is real.

Of course an increase in sex drive comes along with it. Before i’d masturbate 2-3x a month I think. Now .. I can’t seem to go a day without jerking off.

I can actually eat! Which is a huge thing for me because I have severe stomach issues that don’t let me eat much without a lot of pain. Now it’s easier to eat! I mean I still have severe stomach issues but I do notice a positive difference.

I’m sweatier and I think a little warmer. Like, i’m not sweating buckets, I don’t do much though because disabled, but I do do what exercising I can and I actually sweat now! I’m not kidding when I say pre-T I was wondering if I had some anti-sweating problem. Nope, I can sweat.

Some acne. Not a whole lot but my nose keeps getting one again and again and I ended up getting a pimple down there. I didn’t know you could get them down there and my god it hurt there. Even underwear made it worse.

Darker body hair, mostly my arms so far. Still has patches of lighter hair so I can see the difference. I also have a shadow at a distance of a mustache and I think a few more hairs on my face lol. And some of the hair is darker. I have recently developed a couple hairs (and one long dark one) under my lip but you have to be close to see them. But i’ve literally seen it grow in since i’m looking at my face every day lol.

My voice seemed to initially drop some, from the upper half to the bottom half of the female range, but currently I am stuck there.

I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to but I can still cry, just, not as much. And honestly, I think I like it because before I couldn’t stop until my body let me and it’d give me such headaches and stuffy noses.

And of course, i’m happier and beginning to feel a little more like me, and excited to see what’s ahead.

Of course, speaking of happier, i’ve also been very anxious lately because of all the anti-trans news and shit. It’s gotten so bad my chest has been constantly hurting for awhile now, like really hurting and with a feeling of being choked from my throat down my chest. I’ve had plenty of anxiety and panic attacks in my life, I know they physically hurt, but I didn’t realize they could hurt this bad or maybe I should say this chronically. It’s a new level of anxiety. I hate it here.

This anxiety is killing me, so I have to take care of myself the best I can. That means a lot less social media. My first priority has to be surviving and my own health of course. Thankfully I have friends I can talk to, even though I feel like a burden. They tell me i’m not. I do not know where i’d be without them and am very grateful to have them as friends.

Mental health matters. If you need to hear this, your mental health matters. Seriously. Take care of yourself, or at least try. Don’t beat yourself up, just do your best and be kind to yourself. I know very well this is very very hard, but it’s worth it.

So, that’s my 2 months on T and some mental health update.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

wickedjr89 life, mental health, transgender

My feelings on being called Brave

I’ve been called brave a lot in my life. I’ve been called brave lately for starting T, starting medical transition because I am a trans man.

Other reasons i’ve been called brave: I was born with VACteRL Association (It’s an acronym, there is a reason it’s capitalized like that) aka i’m a medical mess. I even got shit wrong with me that don’t fit into vacterl. I was born disabled and in chronic pain and I will die that way. I do not know what a minute without pain is like or what it’s like to be abled.

I’m bisexual and a nonbinary trans man surrounded by people who think that’s a sin, living in a world that wants people like me dead. In particular the trans part.

I’m also surrounded by people who think me being Wiccan is demonic.

I had to recently stop talking to my dad because he refuses to accept me as Tyler, his son.

I’m autistic and have adhd and did not know this until my 30s. I also have anxiety, depression, and ptsd (for multiple reasons, both simple and complex).

I’ve been abused from multiple people. I’ve been used. I’ve been raped. I’ve been in situations where I should be dead.

Hell that last part is my entire life. I was born with vacterl association because of lead where my mom worked, a glass factory, when she was pregnant with me. They tested their employees lead levels once a year (i’m 34 so this was the 80s btw) and it came up when she was 2-3 months pregnant with me. The doctors tested hers and mine. They said she should have been dead or at least a vegetable, and I, or the fetus that became me, should have been a miscarriage. Logically, it makes no sense that I am here. My mom quit working there immediately upon learning that. But it didn’t stop there. There are other situations in my life where I shouldn’t be alive ranging from an abusive boyfriend to a house fire I was in. I was saved by my neighbor with a ladder.

Statistically, people like me often unalive themselves, and i’ve had thoughts of doing just that for over 20 years now. Physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans, mental health issues … I wonder what the statistics would say about me.

Prior to starting T just last month I know that’s where I was headed. I realized I had 2 options. 1 Attempt to be myself, transition, try to live as a trans man, as who I am or 2 suicide. This is me trying to live.

I became a widow in my early 30s. Jan 17th, 2021 my mommom died, during a time me and my husband were moving into our own home and I was also learning i’m autistic, and we moved in late January and February 16th, my husband died. My husband and my mommom were the 2 people in my life who I knew loved me and accepted me as I am. I don’t think my mommom “got” it, but she accepted me. She called me Tyler. I had come out as nonbinary at 30 and socially asked people to use my name Tyler. I talked to my husband about wanting to transition (but medical reasons and disability delayed me starting) and he supported me. Now … I just started a month ago and he’s not here with me. As excited as I am about transitioning … it’s bittersweet. I really, really wish he was here with me. I know he’d be proud of me. I know he’d want me to be happy.

So … after that brief story of my life … how do I feel about being called brave?

Well, I finally know it’s true. I am brave. To go through all that, and to continue to, every single day. To still be here, to still breathe, to exist. Just existing as someone like me is brave. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I know it’s true. And I appreciate that it’s seen by people. That all this bravery isn’t invisible. Because it’s fucking hard and it hurts. So yea, I know it’s true and I appreciate it when people call me brave … but … yes, there’s a but. But I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be this brave. I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist. It’s exhausting and it’s painful and no one should have to be brave like this, just to exist as themselves, as myself. Brave just to breathe. I should have a right to exist peacefully as me.

I know i’m far from alone in this. Having to be brave just to exist. If you relate to having to be brave just to exist, you aren’t alone. You shouldn’t have to go through this. This world is deeply fucked up, and I will never fully wrap my head around why. I like to believe I see a glimmer of hope for the future though…

So no, i’m not offended, I know i’m brave and I appreciate it, but what other choice do I have? It’s be brave … or die.

And I don’t want to die without at least trying to be myself. I’d seriously regret not even trying.

I don’t want to die before legally changing my name (i’m currently working on it).

I don’t want to die without trying to actually live.

You can say i’m brave, but i’ll just think, “Yes, but what other choice do I have?”

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

wickedjr89 life, mental health

Taking on too much and burning out

I am having hernia repair (from a colostomy) surgery (again) July 18th. I have a lot going on medically that I don’t talk about, thanks to VACteRL Association (and more). I am multiply physically disabled, have chronic pain, bisexual, nonbinary transmasc, and neurodivergent plus mental health issues. With Roe Vs. Wade being overturned the internet right now is making me feel like the entire world is misgendering me, because I have a uterus, this affects me to. But i’m not a woman. Nonbinary and trans people with uterus’s matter and are affected to.

It makes me feel like I don’t matter and like the entire world is saying people like me shouldn’t exist. Add in all the anti-trans laws and just … there’s so much. My personal life, society, i’m drowning.

I’m quitting the bingo boards and the 40 by 40. Who knows, maybe i’ll do them accidentally but I will not be focusing on them, so I might have to delete them just so my brain doesn’t obsess over them like it tends to do. I’m also taking a break from Twitter and Instagram. They are on my homepages just so i’ll be able to see if I get any notifications or messages but I won’t be going through my feed. After I check notifications and messages, i’m exiting outta the tabs. I don’t know when i’ll go back to checking the feeds, but it’ll be when i’m ready.

I had a panic attack last night from all this shit. I don’t get panic attacks often anymore but they still happen. At least I know what they are now. First several ones I had I didn’t know what was going on and thought I was dying. At least now I know i’m not dying but they still fucking suck.

Since I don’t know how much i’ll be reading (I still love reading, i’m sure i’ll still read. I just want to read what I feel like reading and that’s it) I might change WWW Wednesday to a weekly wrap up including anything I watch/play etc. I will figure it out. I might not even have anything to talk about some weeks so don’t be surprised if there isn’t a post on a Wednesday.

I’ve got to take care of myself. We all have to take care of ourselves first. Even if you have a bunch of privileges you are still human and can burn yourself out if you aren’t careful. Take care of yourself first, then do what you can. And don’t feel bad for whatever you can’t do. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And yes, i’m talking to myself to.

Also, after my surgery on July 18th I have a blog post scheduled for the 19th and the 26th. I do not know when i’ll be recovered enough to get back to posting full time but I will when I can. Health comes first.

Links to all my socials