wickedjr89 life, transgender

Three months on Testosterone – Transitioning

Three months on T today! Woohoo! And I am loving the changes i’m seeing/hearing.

Content Warning: Talk of private parts and shit like that

I’m still working on my name change and i’m waiting to hear the final judgement from the court and it’s making me anxious lately but hopefully it won’t be too much longer. Courts are so confusing and take awhile.

I got upped from 1 pump of the T gel to 2 pumps.

All the changes so far

Getting hairier – i’m noticing more hair on my legs (especially my thighs) and arms (and darker hair to) as well as face. I still can’t do anything with my facial hair but the right side of my face is finally getting some hair! Right now it’s a lot of vellus hair, at least that’s what i’ve heard it’s called, which means it’s really light and it will get darker when it turns terminal. I have a mix of vellus and terminal hairs on my face and it’s sporadic lol. The vellus hairs are impossible to get to show up on camera.

My voice is dropping. I use an app called “Voice Pitch Analyzer” to track my voice progress (it has you read a short ~1 minute passages from a book – The Picture of Dorian Gray specifically) as well as short videos of me saying my name and how long i’ve been on T so I can hear it.

The voice app, here is how it started Pre-T on February 1st and I started T on February 2nd.

Now here it is in April 22nd and today (you can see the date at the top of the app)

Just 3 months in 🙂 Here is a video of my voice on Day 1 of T and last night

Day 1

3 Months on T

I seem to be getting slightly warmer and sweatier (I didn’t really sweat at all Pre-T)

Higher sex drive

Happier, less crying (I can still cry)

Some acne (not a ton but more than I had. Usually on my nose but one asshole pimple was in my crotch area and omg that one hurt!)

My bottom growth aka Tdick is growing. If you have no idea what that means, T makes the clit turn into a mini-dick. It ends up growing to look like one (with the clitoral hood being the foreskin, fellas, WASH UNDER YOUR FORESKIN) and act like one. Obviously there’s no hole so you can’t pee or cum out of it however it gets hard, gets random boners (yes random, having a boner does not mean a guy is aroused. They just happen sometimes, especially during puberty, which i’m currently going through…again…in my 30s… but can still happen when older), and pleasure and orgasm feel different. I love my little dude, though the random boners are a bit painful with no warning and like “wtf you hard for?” lol. I found random boner memes on the internet …

As a trans man who currently gets random boners and a period, neither should be considered shameful imho. They are both out of the persons control.

I’m in many trans reddits and found the reddit GrowYourTDick (Tdick being what trans guys often call it) where Trans guys will post pics of their Tdicks and talk about pumping and something called DHT cream. I haven’t looked into it. But from what I gather the average is probably 1-3 inches when it’s done? I’m already over an inch when hard and it can continue growing for a few years. Generally in spurts.

I have an easier time eating food like a normal person. I was born with vacterl association and a part of that for me (it’s an acronym) is imperforate anus and with that comes a lot of stomach problems for me. My body doesn’t like to eat because my stomach doesn’t like to work to put it lightly. So the fact I can now eat a bit easier is friggin awesome!

Here are some pictures I took last night of my face

I’m not trying to look mean, i’m just trying to see my face without a smile changing it lol.

wickedjr89 life, mental health, transgender

Two months on T (Testosterone) and Mental Health

My one month on T update blog post is Here which goes more in-depth on some things.

It’s been 2 months on T for me today! Just last week I finally had an appointment with an endocrinologist, who is trans friendly and see trans patients! I had blood work done. Right now it’ll be a couple months before I can switch to getting my T from Plume to my endocrinologist, I still have to get a gender dysphoria letter from my therapist (and I need another month before I can do that) and to see my new ob/gyn which my appointment isn’t until May 26th, but the new gyn apparently specializes in trans health care (and is part of Penn medicine, where I go to a lot because I was born with vacterl association).

So right now i’m waiting for Plume to respond as I just sent them my blood work, no idea if they’ll take that or if i’ll have to get more in a month from them specifically. My endo said i’ll need an estrogen blocker, and my blood work shows that. From what i’ve gathered (internet searching) it looks like my estrogen is still in the female range (and my endo said that’ll prevent me from getting the full effects of T) and my T is in the very low male range (which surprises me it got that high as i’m only on one pump of Gel to start with). My estradiol (estrogen) is 85.1 and my testosterone is 378 and my Free testosterone(Direct) is 15.8. I’m not 100% sure what it all means, but that’s what doctors are for.

Not sure how high I should go with the T but males produce the most T during puberty, in the teenage years. And … puberty is what i’m trying to go through here lol. But at the same time I don’t want to jump to high too fast, simply because I want to make sure my body is still cool with it. But again, that’s what doctors are for.

Side effects i’ve seen already these first 2 months

Bottom growth. T turns the clit into a min-dick. Seriously. It’s made from the same stuff after all. And it looks and acts like one. I mean of course there isn’t a hole to pee out of in it or anything .. but it gets hard. I can stroke it which I could not do pre-T. Pleasure and orgasm feel entirely different. Mine is still small but damn I love my little dude already. I can get erections now holy shit. The gender euphoria is real.

Of course an increase in sex drive comes along with it. Before i’d masturbate 2-3x a month I think. Now .. I can’t seem to go a day without jerking off.

I can actually eat! Which is a huge thing for me because I have severe stomach issues that don’t let me eat much without a lot of pain. Now it’s easier to eat! I mean I still have severe stomach issues but I do notice a positive difference.

I’m sweatier and I think a little warmer. Like, i’m not sweating buckets, I don’t do much though because disabled, but I do do what exercising I can and I actually sweat now! I’m not kidding when I say pre-T I was wondering if I had some anti-sweating problem. Nope, I can sweat.

Some acne. Not a whole lot but my nose keeps getting one again and again and I ended up getting a pimple down there. I didn’t know you could get them down there and my god it hurt there. Even underwear made it worse.

Darker body hair, mostly my arms so far. Still has patches of lighter hair so I can see the difference. I also have a shadow at a distance of a mustache and I think a few more hairs on my face lol. And some of the hair is darker. I have recently developed a couple hairs (and one long dark one) under my lip but you have to be close to see them. But i’ve literally seen it grow in since i’m looking at my face every day lol.

My voice seemed to initially drop some, from the upper half to the bottom half of the female range, but currently I am stuck there.

I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to but I can still cry, just, not as much. And honestly, I think I like it because before I couldn’t stop until my body let me and it’d give me such headaches and stuffy noses.

And of course, i’m happier and beginning to feel a little more like me, and excited to see what’s ahead.

Of course, speaking of happier, i’ve also been very anxious lately because of all the anti-trans news and shit. It’s gotten so bad my chest has been constantly hurting for awhile now, like really hurting and with a feeling of being choked from my throat down my chest. I’ve had plenty of anxiety and panic attacks in my life, I know they physically hurt, but I didn’t realize they could hurt this bad or maybe I should say this chronically. It’s a new level of anxiety. I hate it here.

This anxiety is killing me, so I have to take care of myself the best I can. That means a lot less social media. My first priority has to be surviving and my own health of course. Thankfully I have friends I can talk to, even though I feel like a burden. They tell me i’m not. I do not know where i’d be without them and am very grateful to have them as friends.

Mental health matters. If you need to hear this, your mental health matters. Seriously. Take care of yourself, or at least try. Don’t beat yourself up, just do your best and be kind to yourself. I know very well this is very very hard, but it’s worth it.

So, that’s my 2 months on T and some mental health update.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

wickedjr89 life, mental health, transgender

My feelings on being called Brave

I’ve been called brave a lot in my life. I’ve been called brave lately for starting T, starting medical transition because I am a trans man.

Other reasons i’ve been called brave: I was born with VACteRL Association (It’s an acronym, there is a reason it’s capitalized like that) aka i’m a medical mess. I even got shit wrong with me that don’t fit into vacterl. I was born disabled and in chronic pain and I will die that way. I do not know what a minute without pain is like or what it’s like to be abled.

I’m bisexual and a nonbinary trans man surrounded by people who think that’s a sin, living in a world that wants people like me dead. In particular the trans part.

I’m also surrounded by people who think me being Wiccan is demonic.

I had to recently stop talking to my dad because he refuses to accept me as Tyler, his son.

I’m autistic and have adhd and did not know this until my 30s. I also have anxiety, depression, and ptsd (for multiple reasons, both simple and complex).

I’ve been abused from multiple people. I’ve been used. I’ve been raped. I’ve been in situations where I should be dead.

Hell that last part is my entire life. I was born with vacterl association because of lead where my mom worked, a glass factory, when she was pregnant with me. They tested their employees lead levels once a year (i’m 34 so this was the 80s btw) and it came up when she was 2-3 months pregnant with me. The doctors tested hers and mine. They said she should have been dead or at least a vegetable, and I, or the fetus that became me, should have been a miscarriage. Logically, it makes no sense that I am here. My mom quit working there immediately upon learning that. But it didn’t stop there. There are other situations in my life where I shouldn’t be alive ranging from an abusive boyfriend to a house fire I was in. I was saved by my neighbor with a ladder.

Statistically, people like me often unalive themselves, and i’ve had thoughts of doing just that for over 20 years now. Physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans, mental health issues … I wonder what the statistics would say about me.

Prior to starting T just last month I know that’s where I was headed. I realized I had 2 options. 1 Attempt to be myself, transition, try to live as a trans man, as who I am or 2 suicide. This is me trying to live.

I became a widow in my early 30s. Jan 17th, 2021 my mommom died, during a time me and my husband were moving into our own home and I was also learning i’m autistic, and we moved in late January and February 16th, my husband died. My husband and my mommom were the 2 people in my life who I knew loved me and accepted me as I am. I don’t think my mommom “got” it, but she accepted me. She called me Tyler. I had come out as nonbinary at 30 and socially asked people to use my name Tyler. I talked to my husband about wanting to transition (but medical reasons and disability delayed me starting) and he supported me. Now … I just started a month ago and he’s not here with me. As excited as I am about transitioning … it’s bittersweet. I really, really wish he was here with me. I know he’d be proud of me. I know he’d want me to be happy.

So … after that brief story of my life … how do I feel about being called brave?

Well, I finally know it’s true. I am brave. To go through all that, and to continue to, every single day. To still be here, to still breathe, to exist. Just existing as someone like me is brave. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I know it’s true. And I appreciate that it’s seen by people. That all this bravery isn’t invisible. Because it’s fucking hard and it hurts. So yea, I know it’s true and I appreciate it when people call me brave … but … yes, there’s a but. But I shouldn’t have to be. I shouldn’t have to be this brave. I shouldn’t have to be brave just to exist. It’s exhausting and it’s painful and no one should have to be brave like this, just to exist as themselves, as myself. Brave just to breathe. I should have a right to exist peacefully as me.

I know i’m far from alone in this. Having to be brave just to exist. If you relate to having to be brave just to exist, you aren’t alone. You shouldn’t have to go through this. This world is deeply fucked up, and I will never fully wrap my head around why. I like to believe I see a glimmer of hope for the future though…

So no, i’m not offended, I know i’m brave and I appreciate it, but what other choice do I have? It’s be brave … or die.

And I don’t want to die without at least trying to be myself. I’d seriously regret not even trying.

I don’t want to die before legally changing my name (i’m currently working on it).

I don’t want to die without trying to actually live.

You can say i’m brave, but i’ll just think, “Yes, but what other choice do I have?”

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

wickedjr89 life, transgender

One Month on T (Testosterone): Transitioning

I started T February 2nd. I’m a nonbinary trans man. He/They. I started on a low dose because I have a lot of medical issues and I want to see how my body reacts first and figure this is a smart way. I have gone through Plume because reasons. I am using the Testosterone Gel 1.62%, 1 pump a day and each pump gives 20.25mg of testosterone. I figure i’ll track my transition here. I’ve also made some tiktok videos, my linktree link at the bottom has links to all my socials, including tiktok if you’re interested.

I still have a long way to go in transition, i’ve barely begun, so please send good vibes or whatever you believe in for it to go well, especially with my medical issues.

CW: Talk about “downstairs”, horniness and masturbating. It’s a part of T and i’m going to talk about all of it. Do not proceed if this bothers you in any way or if you’re related to me. Thank you.

So, changes. Within the first day I noticed an increase in horniness. Yes, apparently that’s how it starts lol. I seriously felt like a dog in heat for a bit there. Now it seems more normal, like, guy normal, which is significantly hornier than I was pre-T. But it’s not insane. I can function lol. Before I’d masturbate maybe a few times a month? Now it’s almost every day. Typically once. Sometimes more.

Also before I typically needed some sort of help, to get off. Porn, reading smut, a toy. Now, it seems I do sometimes but, not usually. It’s actually interesting, especially because i’ve heard other trans guys say the opposite and I seem to be alone in this (but i’m sure i’m not).

The feeling, all of it, is different. Within the first 2 weeks I also felt bottom growth. That’s when the clit grows on T, it basically turns into a mini penis. It’s made from the same stuff after all. From my understanding it grows a little, stops, months later or whatever it’ll grow some more etc. And yes, I felt it. That seems to be normal from what I gather. Some trans guys say it hurts. At worst it was uncomfortable for me but generally just made me horny (i’ve heard other trans guys say the same thing, so it depends). It’s still small obviously because it’s only been a month but there is noticeable growth, and I love it.

The way I masturbate has already changed. My clit is so much more sensitive than before. I can just lightly stroke it, that’s not something I could do before. I can also feel and see when it’s hard and erect, just like a penis, just smaller. The sensation is also more localized. Before I could feel the pleasure through my whole body. Now it’s more localized but also more intense. I wouldn’t say either way is bad, they both feel good, but this way feels more right for me personally. It’s also easier for me to get off than before, which is nice because sometimes it seemed impossible before and the fact I have chronic pain wasn’t helping.

T can make it drier down there (which can hurt, cause bleeding..), but it can also make it wetter because it tends to cause more horny than before. So, depends on if the T or the horny wins. I have noticed at times it being too dry (and there is stuff for that), but when i’m wet even that feels different, and I don’t have the (normal) white discharge I used to. I can’t tell if the smell down there has changed or not, sometimes it seemed to but not other times. T can make there smell like dick and balls, so i’ve heard.

I’ve also noticed an increase in hunger. Nothing drastic because I was born with vacterl association and the imperforate anus part of that includes serious stomach issues with me. Hunger is not something my body tends to have, I just eat because I have to, but my body also hates food because it’s too stupid to work right, or like, at all. So barely eating could be difficult before. Now … I actually want to eat (a normal amount) and can eat easier, with less trouble and actually feel hungry a little every now and then, which with my severe stomach issues is a big deal.

I mentioned I started T February 2nd. I got my period February 7th. Seemed pretty normal, mighta been a little lighter/shorter than usual but who knows as one period to the next can change.

Also I noticed my mood, i’m much happier, less anxious and depressed (it’s hasn’t cured anything, I still have anxiety and shit, but i’m happier and able to cope better than before). I feel more me, more myself. More confidence. Still got work to do, but it’s nice.

I also cry less. I thought trans guys saying they couldn’t cry anymore or couldn’t cry as much as before was bullshit. Honestly, I thought it was internalized toxic masculinity and certainly wouldn’t affect my over-emotional cry at everything self and I know men are allowed to cry and it’s nothing shameful, and as I said, I was a constant crier and couldn’t help it.

It wasn’t bullshit. I can still cry. I haven’t lost the ability. But I don’t cry at every little thing like I used to. Commercials, puppies, stress, tv, movies, books, frustration…. Now it takes something significant to me to make me cry, and even then I don’t sob like I used to and it’s over much quicker. I’m not trying to do that, it just stops. Like my body saying “ok, done now”. I can try to cry and it doesn’t work anymore. Before I couldn’t get myself to stop crying until I had been cried out, now I can barely get me to start let alone continue for more than a few minutes no matter happened. Like I said, I can still cry though, it just takes more and is over much quicker.

I do still feel the emotions. Emotions can be less intense but I still have them. They haven’t gone anywhere. But I can handle them better to. Not perfect i’m sure, but better.

I do have a bit more of a mustache than I did before but it still has a lot of growing in to do. I’m not sure how much my face and body mighta changed, my mom said she can see some change but i’m also trying to lose weight (and failing). Same with my voice, it seems to be a little lower (using a voice app) but not much and it still very much in the female range. Voice (and facial hair) take longer than other changes though. Plus i’m surprised being on a low dose for just 1 month I have as much changes as I do, but i’m happy with them!

Also my face feels a bit oily and i’ve noticed a few more pimples than usual (but nothing bad yet).

So that’s it so far. Here is a pic of me Pre-T

And a pic of me now, one month on T

Ignore the fact I look mean. I wasn’t smiling only because I wanted to see my face shape without smiling.

https://linktr.ee/Wickedjr

wickedjr89 Bookish, hobbies, life

2023 – Plans for the blog

I have no concrete plans. I do know I enjoy blogging and do not plan to stop. I am thinking of how I want to continue it in the new year, since I am still trying to figure out exactly what works best for me.

Given everything i’ve said previously (about mood reading etc.) and how I don’t necessarily want to mention everything I read/watch/game/whatever, i’m thinking maybe monthly or bi-monthly wrap ups of whatever I want to mention specifically? Since I don’t want to limit myself to books anymore (though i’m going to continue reading and talking about books, it’s just not all i’m into).

I could mention video games I play (I have a ton I haven’t played yet!), movies and shows that I watch, life stuff, art (I want to draw and paint, I keep starting but then stopping) that I do and share it, talk about writing since I want to write more. I could get into fandoms and talk fandom stuff. I could talk about news if something calls me to. Other random stuff idk.

If you have any ideas or suggestions, feel free to comment and let me know. 🙂

I want to write blog posts i’m passionate about after all, or that I at least want to write and post, not feel like I have to. I think this would be good for me. And of course i’d come up with post ideas like I do now, but letting myself dig (back) into all my other hobbies and read what I want when I want, will help give me more post ideas.

Here’s to seeing what 2023 brings!

Links to all my socials

wickedjr89 hobbies, life

Looking toward 2023

My minimum goal for 2023? Survive. That’s it, because that alone can be nearly impossible and very difficult. If I don’t do anything else, but I survive, that’s enough. Just stating that.

So, what would I like to do? Besides what i’ve stated in my post 2023 Reading Goals and working on the storygraph reading challenges mentioned here, here are some more things, because why not? Obviously there’s no way i’m doing all the things, but when i’m wondering what to do I can look at it all and decide what I want to do then.

Writing. I love to write but I don’t do it nearly enough. I wrote a holiday short story on AO3 here last year. Earlier this year I wrote a fanfiction for Killer Klowns from Outer Space, the 1988 movie (and I wrote it months before the video game announcement! I had no idea that was coming! I make a fanfiction for a movie that came out over 30 years ago and just months later suddenly a video game for it is announced! Talk about timing lol).

Anyway, that Killer Klown story, is about 23k. And that’s all I wrote this year (unless I write something during this last month but I want to focus on reading and maybe watching some things this month) so I’d like to write at least 50k next year. Ideally more than that but we’ll see.

I’d also like to play more Sims 2 and 3. Complete a couple rotations of Sims 2 and I don’t even remember what the hell I was doing in Sims 3, so I need to refigure that out before I start a legacy again without getting far. By the way, I post my sims stuff on my Simblr here.

I’d like to actually watch some of the movies and tv shows I want to watch. I’m terrible at watching things.

I’d also like to play other video games. I have a collection of steam (and switch, and a couple console) games that I never play. I need to fix that.

Ultimately? I just want to have fun with my hobbies and do what I want to do. So we’ll see where that takes me. I have other, more stressful, life goals to but i’m not going to discuss those here. Maybe another time.

Links to all my socials

wickedjr89 autism, life

Fidget Toys are Magic (and self-discovery in my 30s)

At 30 I realized i’m nonbinary trans. At 31 almost 32 I learned i’m autistic, at around the same time my husband and grandmother, my 2 supporters, died just a month apart (and me and my husband had finally just moved into our own home 2 weeks prior to his death, with my grandma dying weeks before we moved in and him dying weeks after, so you can imagine the inner chaos from learning i’m autistic during that time). Now 33 i’m learning I have ADHD as well.

I have recently discovered fidget toys can help me pay attention while watching stuff! Youtube videos, tv shows etc. I have so much trouble paying attention! Fidget toys help. They are stimulating, entertaining, calming. Where has this knowledge been all my life?!

Learning so much about myself in my 30s shows me self-discovery is a lifelong journey. You are never too old.

You are never too old.

I’m sorry that’s depressing but it’s my truth and I am proud to be autistic now. What’s depressing is the deaths and the chaos, not the autism.

Knowledge is power. I understand myself better now, seeing my childhood in a whole new lens. I can use this knowledge to understand myself, better understand others, and help myself through life. And it helps me to be proud of who I am. Before I thought I was just a failed human who couldn’t figure out how to human. Now, I know better. I’m not a failure, i’m just neurodivergent. And i’m awesome just the way I am.

Links to all my socials

wickedjr89 Bookish, life

Wednesday Wrap Up October 12th, 2022

What I Am Currently Reading

The Hacienda by Isabel Cañas – I’m 105 pages in as of writing this and enjoying it so far! Took a little bit to get going but i’m interested now.

What I’ve Recently Finished

Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley (The Second Norton Critical Edition) – I love Frankenstein so much. Loved some of the essays, not so much others.

What Do I Think I’ll Read Next?

Whatever I feel like then.

Other Stuff

With everything I got going on, the possible new hernia while still recovering from hernia repair surgery (I see the Dr tomorrow) among other things, i’m going to stop posting on a schedule. I do already have a couple posts scheduled to go but from now on i’m just going to blog when I REALLY want to. When I have something I really want to say, maybe it’s gushing about a new favorite book or deep diving into a book or some other topic. Could be cannabis related, could be news related, could be book related, could be life related etc. Just whatever calls to me to blog about. So i’ll be sporadic from now on but the posts I make will have more passion behind them.

I also recently made a storygraph profile! It is here if you want to check it out.

I also added it to my linktree links, which has all my socials in one spot.

Links to all my socials

wickedjr89 book thoughts, Bookish, life

Weekly Wednesday Wrap Up June 29th, 2022

What I am currently reading

BBC Science Focus Magazine – April 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd

Still behind on my magazines of course. Maybe i’ll catch up within a few months.

What I finished in the past week

BBC Wildlife Magazine – Spring 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd, Cirque Berserk by Jessica Guess, The Cannibals of Candyland by Carlton Mellick III, Archaeology – May/June 2022 by Archaeological Institute Of America

BBC Wildlife Magazine – Spring 2022 – 5 stars

Aminals (spelling on purpose) and nature

Cirque Berserk – 5 stars

This was so much fun. I loved getting to know the characters and feel for them. This book made me cry. It also made me question things because things aren’t black and white. It even has a trope I hate and I still loved this book and am giving it 5 stars! That says something.

It’s an interesting slasher, that’s for sure!

The Cannibals of Candyland – 4 stars

I’ve really gotta read more bizarro. This is my second book by Carlton Mellick III. My first was The Haunted Vagina. I really enjoyed both of these books. Not only is it weird, it can also be thought-provoking. My only complaint, for both of them, is the ending feels rushed. But I still look forward to reading more by this author!

Archaeology – May/June 2022 – 4 stars

Magazine

What do I think I’ll read next?

Since i’m relaxing on reading so much and going to focus on mood reading some weeks i’ll have nothing to say about this however right now I do know what the next book i’ll pick up should be.

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

This is my July pick for The eclecticist of eclectic book club and i’m really excited to get to it!

Other Stuff

I have been staying off social media like I said to a point. I did search some things on twitter but stayed off my feed and I still post once in awhile to Instagram. I’m still hearing the news of course, I don’t need to be drowning in it and giving myself more panic attacks, especially with my anxiety already on high from an upcoming surgery and the fact that all this awful news impacts me to. Yes, we need to fight. We also need to care for ourselves so we CAN fight.

I’ve played some good ol’ Sims 2, oh how i’ve missed thee. My Simblr (Sims Tumblr) is Here if you’re interested in my Sims game.

Links to all my socials

wickedjr89 life, mental health

Taking on too much and burning out

I am having hernia repair (from a colostomy) surgery (again) July 18th. I have a lot going on medically that I don’t talk about, thanks to VACteRL Association (and more). I am multiply physically disabled, have chronic pain, bisexual, nonbinary transmasc, and neurodivergent plus mental health issues. With Roe Vs. Wade being overturned the internet right now is making me feel like the entire world is misgendering me, because I have a uterus, this affects me to. But i’m not a woman. Nonbinary and trans people with uterus’s matter and are affected to.

It makes me feel like I don’t matter and like the entire world is saying people like me shouldn’t exist. Add in all the anti-trans laws and just … there’s so much. My personal life, society, i’m drowning.

I’m quitting the bingo boards and the 40 by 40. Who knows, maybe i’ll do them accidentally but I will not be focusing on them, so I might have to delete them just so my brain doesn’t obsess over them like it tends to do. I’m also taking a break from Twitter and Instagram. They are on my homepages just so i’ll be able to see if I get any notifications or messages but I won’t be going through my feed. After I check notifications and messages, i’m exiting outta the tabs. I don’t know when i’ll go back to checking the feeds, but it’ll be when i’m ready.

I had a panic attack last night from all this shit. I don’t get panic attacks often anymore but they still happen. At least I know what they are now. First several ones I had I didn’t know what was going on and thought I was dying. At least now I know i’m not dying but they still fucking suck.

Since I don’t know how much i’ll be reading (I still love reading, i’m sure i’ll still read. I just want to read what I feel like reading and that’s it) I might change WWW Wednesday to a weekly wrap up including anything I watch/play etc. I will figure it out. I might not even have anything to talk about some weeks so don’t be surprised if there isn’t a post on a Wednesday.

I’ve got to take care of myself. We all have to take care of ourselves first. Even if you have a bunch of privileges you are still human and can burn yourself out if you aren’t careful. Take care of yourself first, then do what you can. And don’t feel bad for whatever you can’t do. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And yes, i’m talking to myself to.

Also, after my surgery on July 18th I have a blog post scheduled for the 19th and the 26th. I do not know when i’ll be recovered enough to get back to posting full time but I will when I can. Health comes first.

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