Weekly Wednesday Wrap Up June 29th, 2022

What I am currently reading

BBC Science Focus Magazine – April 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd

Still behind on my magazines of course. Maybe i’ll catch up within a few months.

What I finished in the past week

BBC Wildlife Magazine – Spring 2022 – 5 stars

Aminals (spelling on purpose) and nature

Cirque Berserk – 5 stars

This was so much fun. I loved getting to know the characters and feel for them. This book made me cry. It also made me question things because things aren’t black and white. It even has a trope I hate and I still loved this book and am giving it 5 stars! That says something.

It’s an interesting slasher, that’s for sure!

The Cannibals of Candyland – 4 stars

I’ve really gotta read more bizarro. This is my second book by Carlton Mellick III. My first was The Haunted Vagina. I really enjoyed both of these books. Not only is it weird, it can also be thought-provoking. My only complaint, for both of them, is the ending feels rushed. But I still look forward to reading more by this author!

Archaeology – May/June 2022 – 4 stars

Magazine

What do I think I’ll read next?

Since i’m relaxing on reading so much and going to focus on mood reading some weeks i’ll have nothing to say about this however right now I do know what the next book i’ll pick up should be.

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

This is my July pick for The eclecticist of eclectic book club and i’m really excited to get to it!

Other Stuff

I have been staying off social media like I said to a point. I did search some things on twitter but stayed off my feed and I still post once in awhile to Instagram. I’m still hearing the news of course, I don’t need to be drowning in it and giving myself more panic attacks, especially with my anxiety already on high from an upcoming surgery and the fact that all this awful news impacts me to. Yes, we need to fight. We also need to care for ourselves so we CAN fight.

I’ve played some good ol’ Sims 2, oh how i’ve missed thee. My Simblr (Sims Tumblr) is Here if you’re interested in my Sims game.

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10 Books that define my reading taste Part 5

The last part!

The Haunting by Ruby Jean Jensen

A wonderful horror novel! Tackles grief and sexism. Loved the characters and depth and creepy atmosphere.

The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics by Olivia Waite

A F/F historical fiction romance. My initial review …

I freaking loved this! I adored the characters, especially Lucy. A very strong woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t take crap. Don’t get me wrong, she has her insecurities for sure, but she still has a strength within her than shines. Catherine has been hurt in the past and is very insecure in the beginning despite having the countess act down in public. She hides it well but she’s hurting. I loved her character arc and seeing her grow stronger. Both women have their own interests and personalities that I really enjoyed getting to see. Both are interesting characters that I loved in their own rights. I also felt for Catherine with what she had been through and some stuff rang quite true for me too.

A beautiful sapphic historical romance.

Bodymap by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Poetry about being a queer disabled femme of color. Raw, emotional, heart-breaking, thought-provoking, beautiful. I related to some of it, being queer, afab, and disabled myself.

Romantic Outlaws: The Extraordinary Lives of Mary Wollstonecraft & Mary Shelley by Charlotte Gordon

Wonderful biography on Mary Shelley and her mother Mary Wollstonecraft! Told in alternating chapters it came together really well and I learned so much about them. Amazing women! Amazing, and humanized.

To Touch the Light by E.M. Lindsey

A latino gay trans man (also a chef) and a undocumented immigrant from Russia (forced out of Russia) who is half-blind, Jewish and gay. Age gap. M/M Chanukah HEA romance.

The Deep by Rivers Solomon

Hard-hitting, fantasy, packs a powerful punch, educational to boot. It has themes of being oneself, of being a part of a group and having a group history, of kinship, trauma, climate change. I’m sure there is even stuff I missed. It has powerful messages wrapped in a fantasy story with merfolk

Ghost Story by Peter Straub

A ghost story that’s not quite a ghost story. Very creepy, the writing flows, strong atmosphere, loved the characters. Easy to read while being complex.

Rare and Resilient – ONE in 5000 Anthology by Greg Ryan

Here is my entire review because I can’t figure out how to shorten it.

I was born with imperforate anus (IA) AKA no butt hole. Like one in 5000 people around the world. Yes, it’s real. There is no cure as it causes other life long issues, even after surgery. I have always been and always will be incontinent. I used to do enemas/malone, currently have a colostomy (again, had one as a baby). I also have other issues related to VACteRL Association (used to be called VAteR Syndrome) as many of us born with IA/ARM do (but not all. And ARM stands for anorectal malformation). It’s not laziness. It’s an invisible disability that causes pain, trauma, medical procedures, doctor visits, surgeries etc. Each person with IA can have a different story. Some have more issues, some have less. What works for one person, might not work for the next.

It also causes a lot of shame. And growing up when I did, the internet barely existed and as a teen I had internet but it was dial up and certainly not like it is now. Now we have facebook groups and ways to talk to others in the same boat, which is amazing, but I and many others didn’t have that growing up (and some still don’t depending on where they live/their situation) so we literally felt completely alone, like no one understood, because it’s so rare. I’m in my 30s and to my knowledge , i’ve never met anyone else with vacterl or IA/ARM. Though it is an invisible disability, so who knows, I might have.

The shame and stigma need to end, but it’s going to be hard getting there as these issues are so taboo. There needs to be more awareness and understanding. Something Greg Ryan and the one in 5000 foundation are working towards.

It is so wonderful, on one hand, to read these stories, to see myself in so much of them, to know there are others out there who understand, going through the same things. Feeling all alone is the absolute worst. But on the other, it’s a double edged sword, as I would NEVER wish these issues on anyone. No, not even my worst enemy. After that though I must mention there is also plenty of hope in these pages. Also plenty of emotion and it is heart-wrenching.

I’m beginning to see just how strong I am. But … can I please get a break?

Btw, it’s also on KU.

The Pretty One: On Life, Pop Culture, Disability, and Other Reasons to Fall in Love with Me by Keah Brown

This book is a memoir/essays by a black disabled woman with so much honesty, truth and power in the pages! Honestly I wish I knew how to describe it, but all I can say is the affect it had on me, an afab (nonbinary) disabled person. I don’t know what it’s like to be black, i’m white. I learned a lot from this book, from where I didn’t relate personally but also from where I did, with being disabled (though with different medical issues) as well as the talk about depression and suicidal ideation.

It showed me that though i’ve already been working on having disability pride and unlearning internalized ableism, as someone who has also been disabled my entire life and always will be, I still have a lot more to learn/unlearn. Some of it felt like a much needed punch to the gut! It wasn’t easy to hear some of it, but I know I needed it.

This was incredibly emotional for me, and some of it i’m just like “how do I get there?”. I’m still working on a lot of things, but life is a journey and as long as i’m working on it, that’s what matters.

Transmuted by Eve Harms

As a deformed trans person myself this hit so many feels! The feelings of dysphoria, of being fetishized, of being looked at like a freak, of feeling like a freak. The way people treat you. I loved Isa. I want to gush about this book but i’m at a loss for words. I read it on KU and had to buy myself a physical copy.

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18 More Queer Books I Really Want to Read

These are 18 more queer books that I really want to read, am pretty sure I have not mentioned already this month and am unlikely to get to this month of June but one can read queer books all year round and we always need more queer books.

To avoid this post being extremely long i’ve linked the titles to the Goodreads pages so you can check them out if you wish.

Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta

Melissa by Alex Gino

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth

Lost Souls by Poppy Z. Brite

Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy

Peter Darling by Austin Chant

Golden Boy by Abigail Tarttelin

Pillow Thoughts by Courtney Peppernell

Out of the Blue by Sophie Cameron

Werecockroach by Polenth Blake

QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology edited by Raymond Luczak

Dark Rainbow: Anthology of Queer Erotic Horror by Andrew Robertson

Common Bonds by Claudie Arseneault

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Identity, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi

Bliss by Fiona Zedde

In the Dream House: A Memoir by Carmen Maria Machado

Euphoria by Jayne Lockwood

Have you read any of these? I haven’t yet, so no spoilers please. Of course these are a tiny tiny drop in the bucket of the queer books I want to read! What are some queer books you really wanna get to?

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Taking on too much and burning out

I am having hernia repair (from a colostomy) surgery (again) July 18th. I have a lot going on medically that I don’t talk about, thanks to VACteRL Association (and more). I am multiply physically disabled, have chronic pain, bisexual, nonbinary transmasc, and neurodivergent plus mental health issues. With Roe Vs. Wade being overturned the internet right now is making me feel like the entire world is misgendering me, because I have a uterus, this affects me to. But i’m not a woman. Nonbinary and trans people with uterus’s matter and are affected to.

It makes me feel like I don’t matter and like the entire world is saying people like me shouldn’t exist. Add in all the anti-trans laws and just … there’s so much. My personal life, society, i’m drowning.

I’m quitting the bingo boards and the 40 by 40. Who knows, maybe i’ll do them accidentally but I will not be focusing on them, so I might have to delete them just so my brain doesn’t obsess over them like it tends to do. I’m also taking a break from Twitter and Instagram. They are on my homepages just so i’ll be able to see if I get any notifications or messages but I won’t be going through my feed. After I check notifications and messages, i’m exiting outta the tabs. I don’t know when i’ll go back to checking the feeds, but it’ll be when i’m ready.

I had a panic attack last night from all this shit. I don’t get panic attacks often anymore but they still happen. At least I know what they are now. First several ones I had I didn’t know what was going on and thought I was dying. At least now I know i’m not dying but they still fucking suck.

Since I don’t know how much i’ll be reading (I still love reading, i’m sure i’ll still read. I just want to read what I feel like reading and that’s it) I might change WWW Wednesday to a weekly wrap up including anything I watch/play etc. I will figure it out. I might not even have anything to talk about some weeks so don’t be surprised if there isn’t a post on a Wednesday.

I’ve got to take care of myself. We all have to take care of ourselves first. Even if you have a bunch of privileges you are still human and can burn yourself out if you aren’t careful. Take care of yourself first, then do what you can. And don’t feel bad for whatever you can’t do. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And yes, i’m talking to myself to.

Also, after my surgery on July 18th I have a blog post scheduled for the 19th and the 26th. I do not know when i’ll be recovered enough to get back to posting full time but I will when I can. Health comes first.

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10 Books That Define My Reading Taste Part 4

Yup. I came up with 50 books for this so instead of narrowing it down to 10, you get 5 posts. This is part 4.

Saga, Volume 1 by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples

A Sci-Fi graphic novel series. I’m in the middle of rereading them so I can read volume 10 when it comes out later this year. Emotional and thought-provoking. I’m going to cry all over again rereading this series. If you know you know.

My Little Pony: Pony Tales Volume 1 by Thomas F. Zahler

My Little Pony. I love these characters and the lessons they learn along the way. Fun and full of heart.

Silent Night by R.L. Stine

There are 3 Silent Night novels and I enjoyed them all. I usually enjoy a good Fear Street novel by R.L. Stine. Fun YA thrillers. Nostalgic to.

Dance In The Vampire Bund, Vol. 1 by Nozomu Tamaki

I’ve read the first 8 volumes and loved them but there is way more and it’s been awhile so I need to reread them at some point and binge it all. Vampires. Manga. Loved the complex characters and plot.

How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are
by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

Reflect on gender and sexuality, your own and in society.

It also talks a lot about intersections and how they interact with each other. Class, Race, Ethnicity, Disability, Gender, Sexual Orientation, Religion. For example I’m White, Middle-Class, Physically Disabled, Neurodivergent, an afab Non-binary person, bisexual, and Wiccan. All of these things interact with each other and matter.

It talks about how gender is complex in that it’s a mix of biological, psychological and social. Even though it’s a complex topic, it was never confusing. Always accessible.

The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

That was bizarre….and I loved it! Kinda made me think too. I’ve barely stepped into bizarro book land but i’ve noticed the best bizarre stories also can make you think, while they also have you going “what the fuck?” I need to read more by Carlton Mellick III.

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

Latinx trans boy brujo mc, m/m romance with said trans boy and a ghost. So many feels!! Had me tabbing it to hell and back and so many tissues were used.

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

A heart-wrenching and important read. I need to read more by Octavia E. Butler as well.

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Nonfiction essays about disability justice, by disabled queer femme’s of color. So much packed into this book! As a queer disabled afab person there was so much I related to, I swear it helped heal something inside of me, and as a white person there is so much that I learned from. I initially read this on Hoopla then bought my own physical copy, that says a lot.

My Rainbow by Trinity Neal and Deshanna Neal

This is a beautiful children’s book about an autistic black trans girl who needs long hair, but her mama can’t find what she needs in a store, after all she’s a beautiful black girl with curly hair and the wigs in store are so straight, so she makes Trinity her own rainbow wig and she loves it!

This brought tears to my eyes. It’s so wholesome and loving.

If you’re going “these books are all over the place” … Good! ^_^ Variety is the spice of life.

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My nonbinary trans journey

I grew up not feeling like a girl, but I also grew up hearing anything queer was a sin. I also grew up only knowing about trans women, trans men simply weren’t a thing i’d ever heard of until my late teens and I was in my mid-20s before I heard about nonbinary. So as a kid I knew I didn’t feel like a girl but I also knew I didn’t 100% feel like a boy, though it was much closer and comfortable, so I had to assume I just couldn’t “girl” properly. Which makes absolutely no sense.

That “not like other girls” trope? Yea, I loved that. I know now it’s problematic, but also, i’m actually not a girl, but back then I didn’t know any other options existed. But girls, like another other gender or lack there of, come in many varieties. There is no right or wrong way to be any gender. It’s just what feels right and true to you.

I hated long hair (and was forced into having long hair growing up) and many girly things. And there was some girly things I actually did like and man I felt embarrassed by that, but I tried to ignore it and just liked what I liked (and you should just like what you like). Like, I loved Lisa Frank for example. I said I hated the color pink on principle. I never hated the color pink. Though my favorite colors are blue and green but that’s because they remind me of the ocean and nature. However as a kid I couldn’t pick a favorite color so I said mine was purple because my favorite Backstreet Boy, Howie, said it’s his. I’ve since learned doing stuff like that is actually pretty autistic of me lol. I am autistic, always have been, but was nearly 32 when I learned that.

I always wanted to BE a boy, even pre-puberty. Then puberty came, and I hated it. And yes, I know, everyone hates puberty, but it was also a factor of “this is wrong, so very wrong, this isn’t what i’m supposed to look like”. I don’t know how else to put it. I was hoping i’d grow out of it, get used to it. I never did. I’m 33 now. I want to transition but currently am not able to. Hopefully one day. So for now I still “look like a woman” (you know what I mean) and I know this doesn’t invalidate me but hello dysphoria!

And yes, I realize now you are whatever gender you know you are, regardless of what you look like or what you were assigned at birth. But i’m just learning that in my 30s. So when I say I wanted to BE a boy, I also mean I wish I was born amab, instead of afab.

I was always jealous of guys, of how they looked, wished I looked like that. Jealous of girls with small boobs and could not for the life of me understand why they were jealous of my huge ones.

Of course i’m also bisexual so i’ve had that thought “Do I want to look like him or fuck him?” when looking at a cis guy and the answer has been

I’m multiply physically disabled, known i’m bi since 13 (still am), and knew I was “weird” before I knew i’m autistic, and have multiple mental health issues on top of it … so when I heard about nonbinary in my late 20s, already married to a man (who I loved and always will have a place in my heart, he died Feb 16th, 2021), I was scared.

I was scared because I was already “too much”. I can’t be any more strange, please no for the love of God NO!! That was my thought. I refused to look into it.

I had a breakdown at 30 and realized, i’m nonbinary. I came out and told my husband, he was supportive (even when I told him I want to transition). First I figured i’m agender, then demiguy (which for me is part agender part man). Gender had always been a source of pain and confusion so I just wanted to say “fuck it” but also had to realize, some gender i’m happy with and agender wasn’t my whole story. At first I said “any pronouns” but it became obvious she irked me.

Oh, that reminds me, when I still thought I was cis i’d have instances of people thinking I was a guy, say online or before they saw boobs, and I would never correct them and I realized it made me happy when they did that and very annoyed when they “realized” and corrected themselves and I couldn’t understand why it annoyed me for them to correct themselves, I mean, I was a woman, right? (no, and that shoulda been a friggin’ neon sign for me! But alas, the brain can refuse to realize things it doesn’t want to/isn’t ready for).

So eventually I changed my pronouns to they/them then they/he. They/He are my pronouns. I also go by Tyler now.

Other things that shoulda been neon signs: I’d daydream about being a guy, masturbating imagining I have a penis and am the guy I wish I was, wish I could chop off my chest, straighten out my curves, have a deeper voice, like the facial hair aspect I got of what appears to be pcos (though I could do without the pain thank you) and wish I had more facial hair. I have a lot for an afab person not on T but no where near a beard or “male-level” facial hair. I know there’s others i’ve realized but can’t think of them off the top of my head. Look up trans guy memes or something, you’ll probably find them.

I haven’t legally or physically transitioned at all yet, but i’d like to. Unfortunately things stand in my way, but hopefully i’ll get there. I’ve heard of trans people coming out in their 40s, 50s, 60s, even older, so I get hope from that, knowing there is no such thing as too late. And regardless, I know who I am, and the right people will respect me for who I am.

And now i’m starting to cry. This is my nonbinary trans journey so far.

And you know what? I hated dresses as a kid (though i’ve always liked skirts, certain ones like skater skirts that weren’t too girly to me) and even now being too feminine (in terms of looks) would make me very uncomfortable. I already have a huge chest and people constantly see me as a woman, it’s just … I don’t know how else to put it. But I can see myself if I get to a point of physically transitioning and looking more like I want, who I know myself to be, then feeling more comfortable dressing and being feminine. I’ve heard other transmasc people say the same thing so I know i’m not alone!

Who knows, maybe i’ll transition, and then wear a dress. I could see me doing that, when i’ve said countless times growing up “you won’t catch me dead in a dress” and shit like that. But sadly, I also know, i’d be terrified to go out in public as a man in a dress. I know there’s nothing wrong with being a man in a dress, but it can be unsafe to say the least. Who knows, I might get the opportunity to be who I am, but still be too afraid to be 100% me, because of the way society is. But I have to hope.

By the way, I also say i’m a nonbinary man. Nonbinary means not 100% either binary gender, some people, like myself, have a connection to a binary gender (or both), some have no connection to either. Of course gender fluid people also fall under nonbinary and they might go from one binary gender to the next. I hope i’ve explained that well enough, apologies if I have not.

I don’t need to make sense to anyone else. I love Jeffrey Marsh and what they’ve said at one point (look up Jeffrey Marsh on Twitter or Youtube, please, they are awesome); that respect has to come before understanding, it doesn’t work the other way around. Understanding can come after respect, but also, it’s ok if it doesn’t. I know people have this desire to understand everything, but it’s ok to not understand everything, just respect people for who they are even if you don’t get it. I don’t understand why that’s hard for people. I am sorry if it’s hard for you, but I believe everyone has the capacity for kindness and love. I’m not saying it’s always easy, i’m saying I believe everyone has the capacity.

When I refused to look into nonbinary and said “I don’t get it” (because I didn’t want to, as explained) I still respected people when they said they were nonbinary and did my best to use the correct pronouns. It wasn’t hard, despite me pushing away my own nonbinary-ness out of intense fear. It was years, like 4 or 5, of me knowing about nonbinary people before I would admit to myself that I am one.

I hope this makes sense, sorry it’s all over the place, but this is my story so far and I know who I am. Life is a journey and it’s never too late to learn more about yourself.

Edit before posting (good thing I write things up ahead of time) to add, not having the words for how I felt growing up and thinking how I felt wasn’t real and I was all alone, is why labels are so important to me. Also for thinking anything not cishet is a sin growing up. You can understand why labels are important to me, I finally have the words to describe how I feel, and I also didn’t make them up myself, meaning others feel the same way and i’m not alone! (Also, to certain people: all words are made up, language is a living thing). Labels don’t need to be important to everyone, but for some people they are, and both are ok.

Also, representation is important. I read Gender Queer and in a lot of ways, it was like reading my own story, so again, finally, seeing that i’m not alone. And I learned more words for things I had no idea had words! Feelings I didn’t know had words to describe them, that other people put into words before me. Words and representation are powerful.

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Taboo Thursday: Her Stepsister’s Secret by Callista Bree

If i’m doing this taboo thursday thing like I said I am I need to put my money where my mouth is.

Synopsis: Carol and John are about to be married and their two daughters are meeting for the first time. John’s daughter Dina had taken the summer off to visit Europe and she is a bit surprised with all the wedding news. She hadn’t kept in touch much with her father and there were many things that they just kept to themselves. Dina isn’t too worried about the third wife moving in and doesn’t want to be there.


All that changes though, when she meets her buxom brunette stepsister Candace and realizes that the woman has a need in her eyes that she wants to satisfy. Candace is not into girls though and even when she tried to persuade her, Dina has a hard time convincing her. Candace has to see firsthand what she is missing for her to really start to entertain the idea. The two sisters are stuck in a small room together and as the trip goes on, Candace’s needs hit a breaking point and she just needs some relief.

My review: Yes, I enjoyed this. One, incest erotica is more popular than people want to believe and two, I hardly count stepsiblings that don’t even meet each other until they are adults incest. Also, i’m not repeating what i’ve said about fiction isn’t reality. I don’t want to constantly repeat myself, which I struggle not to do.

It’s obvious how much Dina wants Candace from the beginning and it doesn’t take long before it’s obvious Candance is intrigued and wants Dina too even though she pushes back against it initially. I enjoyed the story, what little there is of it, the characters, the tension, the bit of romance and the horniness.

I’d actually be interested in a story of how their relationship works out though I know that isn’t the point of this story.

It’s actually well written, which you can’t always say with these types of stories.

What I didn’t care for is the bonus story. There is an extra story and … it’s a weird tone change. It’s like a Christian erotica. A woman from Scotland ends up going somewhere (the US? The UK? I can’t remember, it was boring to me) to meet her husband to be for some reason (can you tell I wasn’t interested?). There isn’t enough women for the men in the area so he ordered a bride or whatever. Because reasons. He works on a farm I think. There be cows at least.

Anyway they have a week together and all the tension comes from the fact he refuses to do anything until they are married but man is he horny for her. They both want it, she even tries to tease him to make him lose control (he doesn’t), so I just don’t understand the whole “waiting for marriage” thing. I mean you do you, I just don’t get it. And the gender stereotypes. I’m not sure if it was sexist or just not my thing. I’m going with the latter. I couldn’t help thinking the book was saying “Oh, you liked that taboo stuff? Here’s some Christian erotica to cleanse your brain!”. I mean, they do get it on after they get married. I don’t know.

Yea I have more to say about that one because I should’ve written down my thoughts on the stepsister story right after I read it.

I decided to rate it solely on the title story, so I gave it 5 stars.

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WWW Wednesday June 22nd, 2022

  1. What are you currently reading?
BBC Wildlife Magazine – Spring 2022 by Immediate Media Company London Ltd

Working on those magazines. Animals!

2. What did you recently finish?

Trans Wizard Harriet Porber and the Bad Boy Parasaurolophus – 4 stars

Despite all the typos and the fact I think this coulda been even better if it had been a bit more polished I still really enjoyed this. It’s hilarious, I enjoyed the characters and the story and especially the calling out of she who shall not be named and the whole romance parody thing. There’s also the complete smashing of the 4th wall.

Now, which of Chuck’s 5,000 other books do I read next?

Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke – 2.75 stars

My review, the first part being right after I read it and just a little later I did the “edit”.

What in the bloody fuck was that?
I don’t mean that as an insult in any way. It’s just bizarre and I have no idea how to rate it.
I didn’t dislike it at all. I just … wtf man.

wtf

Edit: Logging this into my spreadsheet (of books I read this year) that has different aspects of the book I came up with a 2.75 and that feels right somehow. It’s just my opinion and i’m not sure how to express it. I think it needed … more. The characters, the atmosphere, the plot. I just needed, more. But again, that’s just me.

Her Stepsister’s Secret – 5 stars

Taboo. Review going up tomorrow. There is a bonus story that I refused to rate because I hated it.

Archaeology – March/April 2022 – 4 stars

Nothing to say. Magazine.

Philosophy Now – issue 149 – 4 stars

There always seems to be at least 1 article per magazine that I really wish everyone would read, but there’s also a bunch of shit I don’t understand and people talking in circles. In some ways philosophy really seems important, and in others, philosophers seems a bit … ridiculous.

3. What do you think you’ll read next?

I’ll be working on catching up on magazines for awhile, and then working on staying caught up lol. Cirque Berzerk I have borrowed on KU and I need to read something to make room. I could end up choosing to read something else. The Cannibals of Candyland is because bingo board space and i’ve been wanting to read another book by Carlton Mellick III. I read The Haunted Vagina by him and enjoyed it. To Kill a Mockingbird is for my 40 before 40 list and no, i’ve never read it.

What have you done in the past week? Currently reading or going to read next?

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10 Books that define my reading taste Part 3

I came up with a total of 50 books for this, so instead of breaking it down for just 1 post i’ve decided to do a series of 5 posts for it! Because why not.

My Life as a White Trash Zombie by Diana Rowland

An adult zombie urban fantasy novel. I’ve read it twice. The second time was by listening to it on audio in an attempt to continue the series and I read the second one and well … i’m bad at continuing series. I want to fix that, but i’ve loved the first two books! I got them both on audio now so when I have the time to reread I can listen to them before continuing on. I own the whole series physically. There are 6 books.

Queens of Geek by Jen Wilde

Contemporary YA with an Asian Austrailian bisexual MC and an MC that is autistic, has anxiety and is fat (and ok with that!). I related SO HARD to Taylor, the autistic/anxiety/fat MC, because anxiety and I read it when I didn’t know i’m autistic. This is one of the books that eventually lead me on my journey to realizing I am! I’m also bisexual so that rep was awesome. Involves a con like comic con.

Cum For Bigfoot: Volume One by Virginia Wade

Yes. I read this. I have all 3 volumes. I have only read the first one because I was feeling awkward and ashamed trying to talk about it even though I said i’d finish the series years go. I plan to reread the first volume and finish the damn series. Also, fuck shame. I liked this ok? It’s well written actually. It’s has a simple plot but it does have a plot and I like monster erotica. I need to learn to say that with pride. I know i’m not alone. I see many other monster erotica lovers places like Twitter. Where my monster erotica lovers at? Monsters need love to.

A Secret Life: Surviving A Rare Congenital Condition by Greg Ryan

The rare congenital condition, is imperforate anus. Me and Greg were both born without an anus. Yes, it’s real. It happens. And we have lifelong issues because of it. One in 5,000 babies are born with IA (Imperforate Anus). This is his autobiography, which I related to a lot.

To Be Devoured by Sara Tantlinger

Queer. Horror. I don’t know what else to say. It’s fucking creepy! Also, I heard it’s going out of print in July and I had read it via KU so when I heard I snatched up a physical copy!

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender

This book has meant THE WORLD to me! The MC is black, queer and trans. He feels like too much, which I can relate to as physically disabled, neurodivergent, queer and trans. And he realizes he’s a demiboy, LIKE ME! He’s a bisexual trans demiboy like me. With the word demiboy ON. THE. PAGE. The only time i’ve seen it so far! Hopefully not the last. I have a long review Here if you wanna check it out!

1984 by George Orwell

Terrifying. Awesome book. Wish everyone would read it. Wish people would quit treating it as an instruction manual. It was meant to be a warning, not an instruction manual!

Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi

Historical Fiction. Each chapter is told from a different person’s pov, going from one descendant to the next, all connected, over generations, like a family tree that tells their stories. There is so much to learn from this book, yes it’s fictional but still teaches so much and tugs at the heart (and tears).

Masquerade by Parker Lee

Queerness and poetry. This book has quite a range imo. I felt these poems deep in my soul. The author is nonbinary (as am I) and that’s explored but so are other things. Some of them I literally went “I know this isn’t about autism but my nonbinary and autistic ass felt that in both ways”. I think a lot of people could relate to at least some of it. There’s also themes of abandonment and more. And it’s so very accessible.

Corduroy by Don Freeman

I loved this book as a kid and still loved it upon adult reread. It’s so sweet!

Yes, i’m aware i’m all over the place in what I read and love, and I love it that way!

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My Bisexual Journey

I am a nonbinary trans guy. I have to say that to explain all this. I didn’t realize i’m trans (in large part because I didn’t have the words and was also already queer and disabled I felt like too much already, even before learning i’m autistic as well) until I was 30. So until 30 I just assumed I couldn’t “girl” properly, which makes no sense whatsoever.

So when I realized I was very attracted to girls at 13, I knew then that i’m bisexual. I’m still bisexual, that hasn’t changed. I was also raised though to believe queerness is a sin so I tried for years to “pray the gay part of me away”. And of course me and my big mouth did say to my parents “I think i’m bi” right away because I didn’t think first. Mom cried, which broke my heart. I forget what my stepparents said. My dad said “it’s a phase” and of course a sin. I shut up about it and just silently prayed to be straight, for years, while reading the bible.

Also, i’m pagan now but that’s not the point of this post. I don’t care what religion someone is as long as they don’t use their beliefs to hurt others or try to shove their beliefs down others throats. That’s it.

I’ve only been with cis guys. I’m mostly attracted to women. Now that I know about nonbinary yes i’m also attracted to nonbinary people (and as mentioned, am one myself). I can be attracted to all genders. Could I call myself pansexual? Apparently, but I have my reasons for being comfortable with bisexual. Read the bisexual manifesto from the 90s, it was NEVER trans-exclusionary. Also if you say (this is only specific people) “I say pansexual because I am attracted to trans men and trans women too” THAT is transphobic because when a bisexual person says they are attracted to men and women, trans people are by default included in that as trans men are men and trans women are women, if you feel the need to separate them, the problem is with your internalized transphobia and not actually seeing trans men as men and trans women as women.

A part of me wishes I could leave it there but I must say, I know it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. We all have internalized crap or don’t know things. It’s just feeling the need to say “I’m attracted to men, women and trans men and trans women” just … it’s awful. I don’t know how else to say it. That’s implying trans men and trans women aren’t really men and women. You see the problem? I’ll get to nonbinary people in the next paragraph. (quick side note: You can’t help who you are or are not attracted to. I am NOT saying you have to be attracted to trans people. That is not what i’m saying. Before people put words in my mouth…)

Are there transphobic bi people? Of course there are. Again, that’s specific people. I have nothing against pansexual people or the label. We’re all different and that’s beautiful. My issue is with certain people not the label. I’m just comfortable with bisexual and am stubborn and want to break the stigmas surrounding bisexuality. It’s not transphobic. It can include all genders (a definition of bisexuality: Attracted to 2 or more genders). There, ya got your 2 and it can include all. Again, bisexual manifesto, 90s, look it up if you want. It even says “don’t assume there are only 2 genders”.

Back to my journey with it. Because religion I had shame about being bisexual for years. Eventually I did break that shame, but it took awhile. I married a cis man in 2014. He died last year in 2021 but we had been together since 2010. He was a wonderful man and I loved him and always will have a place for him in my heart. When I came out as trans and discussed it all with him he was completely accepting.

Now, i’m a single widow. I’m only 33, so who knows what might happen with the rest of my life. If I find love again, who knows what the gender or sex of the person might be. As long as we work together and are happy, that’s all I care about.

I did mention I am mostly attracted to women, but also sometimes to men and sometimes to nonbinary people. Something funny I guess is once I accepted i’m bisexual and had pride a part of me was like “well at least i’m closer to gay than straight” even though that’s not how that works and bisexuality is it’s own thing. I still find this kinda funny though, feel free to laugh if you do to. Now? Me realizing i’m trans has kinda flipped that on it’s head and made me go “oh … crap … but i’m still bi!!” 😂And it’s true. I am still bisexual.

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